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Getting off the merry go round

So it has been almost a month to the day that I left Knoxville and came to NM.

 

For the first 2 1/2 weeks, I just could not stop crying. It was non stop and hard.  I felt like I was losing my mind, in fact, I asked my sister to take me to the hospital, which she and mother did.

 

It was really really hard because I seriously expected them to admit me to the psyche ward.  However, after the psychiatrist spoke to me and she saw that I had the support I have and she…

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Added by JustDee on July 10, 2011 at 3:38am — 9 Comments

Round and Round I Go, Where I Stop, Nobody Knows

Yep,

 

I just keep going around in circles.  I can't help myself it seems.  I think I am ok one minute and in the next minute I fall apart. Maybe I still just have to much time on my hands to think about things.. maybe.. .I don't know.. can't wait for counseling to start...

Added by JustDee on June 20, 2011 at 6:32pm — 4 Comments

Check out my OTHER blog

OK, 

so I have been blogging on blog spot but I really appreciate everyones feedback, so if you have the time, please check it out.

 

http://dnsmrz.blogspot.com/

Added by JustDee on June 15, 2011 at 11:07pm — 1 Comment

Day 2

Today I went to an OA Meeting (over eaters anonymous) that is a 12 step program for people who compulsively eat.  I decided to utilize a 12 step program because I feel it is my best chance first of all to create a network, 2nd of all, I feel it offers me the best opportunity for extended success.

 

I wasn't sure I was going to get there.  I decided last night to go...but this morning, fear set in. Fear of meeting people I didn't know.  Fear of having to stand up and say I had…

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Added by JustDee on June 11, 2011 at 1:25am — 10 Comments

So Now What?

It's happened. My husband has asked me for a divorce. Exactly what I wanted... and I don't have to be the bad guy. Except that I am.



In the last 24 hours I have come to realize some very painful truths.



I have been depressed for so long... I have blamed him for so much. I have stayed emotionally unavailable for most of our marriage, not only from him but from my girls.



I'm leaving tomorrow. I am going away for a month. I am going to take some time to figure out… Continue

Added by JustDee on June 8, 2011 at 10:47pm — 7 Comments

Need a safe place to vent before my head explodes

Be forewarned, this is probably going to be a long boring blog about my stupid life.

 

I am 47 and 3/4 years old. I have been married for 26 and 3/4 of those years to the same man.  I have posted blogs about how much I love him, how much he infuriates me and maybe even how much I hate him (at times).  I have posted blogs about my girls.  I have posted blogs about things I have come to realize about myself and questions I still had about myself.  I should be so much further…

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Added by JustDee on May 28, 2011 at 3:30am — 5 Comments

OMG.. The ARK is still afloat

I haven't been here in so long, I don't know why but I thought the ARK had sunk...

 

so here is whats funny....I just read a blog post from last year...and nothing has changed... 

 

that is not entirely true, I have another granddaughter, Mia Jade, she is 2 months old today, but other than that, everything is the same.

 

I am emotionally still stuck, in fact, that is not true either, I am not quite stuck, I have slipped further back.…

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Added by JustDee on March 3, 2011 at 5:11am — 5 Comments

IF YOU KNEW YOU ONLY HAD MOMENTS....

and a piece of paper and pen... what would you say to your loved ones?

This question has been inspired by a song which was inspired by a mining tragedy a few years ago.. 13 miners died, but they left short notes for their families...so what would you say with the few moments you had left.

Added by JustDee on April 4, 2010 at 8:57am — 3 Comments

A HOLE IN MY SOUL

That is the way someone explained having experienced a trauma at a very young age felt, as if she had a hole in her soul.


When she said it, it made me want to cry because it described how I have felt my entire life. As if something important was missing, as if I left something behind that I shouldn't have. As if I had a hole in my soul.




She explained that she spent her life trying to fill that hole with food... maybe that is what…
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Added by JustDee on March 4, 2010 at 1:11am — 3 Comments

THE PRICE OF DOING BUSINESS WITH PRICELINE.COM

I'm not usually one to make a big deal about things. I make mistakes and I deal with the consequenses but sometimes, things just make so little sense that it is impossible to allow it to go unsaid.


I have been doing business with priceline.com for a while, probably since they launched. I have made hotel, care and plane reservations through them. Sometimes, I have had to change or cancel my reservation and at times, I have even had to pay a small fee to do so, but this…
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Added by JustDee on February 21, 2010 at 8:38pm — 6 Comments

BEING ERICA

I have been watching this show on Hulu, called Being Erica. It addresses the idea of being able to go back through your life for a "redo", an opportunity to do or not do those things you regret in your life. It isn't about changing events or other peoples actions, just about those single moments in our lives that we wish we could have done differently.



I have seen this show advertised on TV a few times, but it is broadcast on soapnet and I don't get soapnet, besides, I thought, how… Continue

Added by JustDee on January 28, 2010 at 1:18am — 4 Comments

I JUST CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM CRYING

Before the holidays, I posted about my oldest daughter coming back to live with us along with her new baby and her husband. I also mentioned about my 2 middle girls coming for the holidays for a visit. I had all of my girls here and I was on top of the world and the baby was just the icing on the cake.



Before they all got here, my house was so quiet. Amanda never fussed or argued...all in all, my house felt dead.



There has been more life in this house in the last month. I… Continue

Added by JustDee on January 14, 2010 at 2:59am — 9 Comments

THE END OF A VERY LONG DECADE

It just hit me that we aren't just entering a new year but a new decade... which made me look back on the last 10 years which made me realize how long a decade its been and how happy I am to be done with it.

In the last 10 years I have lived through; moving my entire family to TN from NY, my husband having to go to jail in NY, moving everyone back to NY from TN, my father dying, my uncle dying, my grandmother (father's mother)dying. Prepared to move upstate (yes so I could see my husband… Continue

Added by JustDee on December 30, 2009 at 6:14pm — 8 Comments

THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN...

And all is right with the world... at least it was for the first hour...LOL.



OMG.. what a crazy bunch of kids I have. This is the first time we have all been together in the last 3 years. My oldest, Aley, moved out almost 4 years ago. She moved to LA and found love and had a baby...only to move back home with him and her (the her is a baby girl) last month.



Kim and Kate moved out last February. Both went back to NY but Kim subsequently moved to MA to be a nanny. That left… Continue

Added by JustDee on December 22, 2009 at 6:28am — 5 Comments

I WISH I WERE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

This Christmas should be the best Christmas ever, I have my oldest daughter, her husband and their young baby living with us, obviously my youngest is still at home and we also have our other two daughters who live in MA and NY coming home for the holiday. I should be full of anticipation and joy...but I am instead full of anxiety and a melancholy of sorts. I can't quite put my finger on it...at least I couldn't until I spoke to my sister and I realized that I have been missing the Christmas of… Continue

Added by JustDee on December 16, 2009 at 4:00am — 2 Comments

A QUICK UPDATE...

Well,

I haven't been around much lately because aside from the fact that my daughter, son in law and new grand baby have finally moved in with us, we also had my husband father visiting us for the holiday.



Aley and family arrived on the 7th of November and the little one, Reighlan, captured my heart from the first glimpse of her. What a darling little girl. She is almost 4 months now but she has a wonderful personality. She isn't fussy at all, she cries but only when she needs… Continue

Added by JustDee on November 30, 2009 at 1:45am — 5 Comments

THOUGHT PROVOKING QUESTION OF THE DAY...

If you could select one person from history and ask them a question to which they must give a truthful reply. Whom would you select, and what question would you ask?


I will start it off...

I would ask Jesus a question and the question I would ask him is, "Whose your daddy?"...

LOL

But seriously, one person from history and the question you would ask...

Added by JustDee on November 5, 2009 at 3:00am — 19 Comments

CHOICES...

I have been wondering a lot about the role "choices" make in our lives. I mean, have we gotten to where we are by a series of deliberate choices or have circumstances dictated our lives? I didn't "choose" to be born and yet I was. I didn't "choose" who my parents were or if I would have brothers and sisters. I didn't "choose" in what order we would be born....I didn't choose to grow up the way I did. I did however choose to survive all of that. I did choose to move on from where my parents left… Continue

Added by JustDee on November 1, 2009 at 9:20pm — 30 Comments

IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT....

There was a time in my life when I was a prolific writer. I was awash in ideas and images that I couldn't wait to put down on paper...(yes, it was so long ago that paper was actually written on). I wrote poems, short stories and even some times, with the help of my sister, lyrics. Were they great? I don't know. I think I had some raw talent, I think I could have been a good if not great writer.



I always dreamed of writing a book, my life story if you will. In fact, I've been writing… Continue

Added by JustDee on October 9, 2009 at 8:07am — 5 Comments

A VISIT WITH A FRIEND

This weekend we had a wonderful visit with a friend that I met right here on the ARK.

Some of you know him as DOK, but I prefer to just call him Daniel. Daniel and I met here last November and we hit it off immediately, but then he left the ARK for personal reasons and I thought it would end there. But it didn't. He was the person I called in the middle of the night (aside from Syd) when I couldn't sleep or I thought I was just going to lose it and he has always been a willing shoulder for… Continue

Added by JustDee on September 15, 2009 at 3:30am — 8 Comments

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