Whatever floats your boat...
Be forewarned, this is probably going to be a long boring blog about my stupid life.
I am 47 and 3/4 years old. I have been married for 26 and 3/4 of those years to the same man. I have posted blogs about how much I love him, how much he infuriates me and maybe even how much I hate him (at times). I have posted blogs about my girls. I have posted blogs about things I have come to realize about myself and questions I still had about myself. I should be so much further along than I am, but I am still here. I don't know, maybe if I really just look at my life from the beginning, and really dissect things, maybe I would better understand why I am here, but quite honestly, that kind of scares the hell out of me.
Am I like this because my mother was emotionally unavailable to me? Is it because my father was unable to live in the real world and work a real job rather then always trying to "make it rich"? Is it because my parents were unable to provide a stable and secure home for us? Did being molested really scar me so badly that 42 years later, I still cannot function like a normal person? Is it because all of the people closest to me, the people that were supposed to love and protect me have managed to betray me in one way or another? Is it just that I am to scared to move forward?
I swear, I just want to scream... I just want to scream until I can't scream anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I want to run so far away that no one will ever be able to find me. I want to start my life over some where that no body knows me. Some place where I can be me... the me that was never ignored by her mother, or let down by her father. The me that wasn't molested, or betrayed by her husband. The me that can laugh and dance and not care who sees her. The me that lived out her dreams rather than allow herself to get pulled in other directions.
I know I can't though, I know that I'm needed here. I know that by the time everyone else stops needing me, there won't be any me left for myself. I feel disloyal, dishonest, resentful, angry. They all see it, they all know it.... I try to hide it even from myself, but it seeps from my pores. They all want a part of me, they need me, depend on me, they clamor for my attention. They fight to spend time with me. I don't know why, it almost makes me laugh, especially when I realize I am emotionally unavailable to them... wonder where I learned that from?
I see them all struggling in their own lives, and I know its my fault, so I try to help. I offer a roof, food, even babysitting...but it never seems to be enough. Maybe if they had more stability in their lives, they would be more stable now. Maybe they would be more secure in themselves today if they had had more security in their formative years.
He says he loves me, but does he? I wonder, does he love me or just need me? As time passes he becomes more and more critical of everything. Maybe he is just realizing I'm not all he thought I was. He tries to be kind, he tries to be a loving husband, but when his guard is down, he slips. Just a bit of honesty slips past his lips, he tries to cover when he realizes it, but its hard to explain away the words, "obligation". I came close tonight, close to saying the words,"separation", but I couldn't quite get there. I don't know why. What am I afraid of? I have a place to go, a plan, sort of, an outline of a plan at least. But leaving means leaving them. Not the big them, but the little them.
I adore THEM. They lift my heart each morning with their little smiles and their hugs and "I love you nana" rolling off her tongue (the little little doesn't speak yet). leaving would mean leaving them too and I don't know how I would do that. I feel like I owe them the stability and security that my grandparents offered me growing up. But it's more than that too. If I left them, I would have nothing to smile about. I would die inside every time I saw "BARNEY or ELMO". No, leaving them isn't an option.
The truth is that I would be lost without my family. The truth is, it isn't them that I really want to get away from. The truth is that its really me I want to get away from, the only problem with that is that I have to take me where ever I go. I'm not happy. I could blame my mom, my dad, being molested or betrayed, but the truth is that in the end, I really only have me to blame. So, now what? Does anyone know where I can get a soul transplant?
Thanks for listening.