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I JUST CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM CRYING

Before the holidays, I posted about my oldest daughter coming back to live with us along with her new baby and her husband. I also mentioned about my 2 middle girls coming for the holidays for a visit. I had all of my girls here and I was on top of the world and the baby was just the icing on the cake.

Before they all got here, my house was so quiet. Amanda never fussed or argued...all in all, my house felt dead.

There has been more life in this house in the last month. I have gotten out of bed every day and not had any inclination to crawl back into bed. Before, it was rare if I got out of bed. There has been a lot of fighting, fussing and yelling and some days my blood pressure would go through the roof... but it was still so good to have them all around. To make new memories with them, to heal some of the old memories.

Well, its about to come to an end. Not only are my two middle girls leaving this sunday, but Aley, my oldest, has decided to move back to Louisiana with her baby and her husband. Her husband has a son by his first wife and he has just been missing him to much. I can't argue with him about that.. but my heart is broken into a million pieces.

I don't know if it is because the baby is leaving or if it is just that everyone seems to be going all at once, but I feel so distraught and I just can't get a handle on my emotions. I can't even talk to any of the girls, I just keep crying. I really want to enjoy the last few days that they are here,so I am going to try to really reign it in some. I can't imagine anyone else taking care of my grand baby. I'm worried about my 19 year old because she keeps having seizures, my 23 year old is going back to a situation that is just going to be full of stress for her (she is a nanny to 2 little girls whose parents are about to get separated and eventually divorced). She wasn't going to go back, but the kids mom asked her to go back to help them with the transition.

The fact is that they are all adults and I know my oldest is a good mom to Reighlan. I just love them all so much and this visit has been so wonderful and I was expecting Aley and Mike to be here for at least 2 years, not 2 months. I feel like Reighlan isn't going to really know me. I don't want to be a telephone gramma...There is just nothing to do about it.. my heart is shattered and I feel like my life is just going to go back to being so empty....

Views: 23

Comment by BlancheNoE on January 14, 2010 at 7:19am
Hi Dee. First, I agree with what Sara said, second, you seem to have an awful lot of patience. Have you considered putting your nurturing instincts to work in your local community? I spent a year working at a specialized day care center for advanced infants. I was responsible for the curriculum for 5 babies aged 4 mos to 16 months that were were operating cognitively way ahead of the norm. It was the most challenging job I ever had and the most chronically sick I've ever been from retro viruses and when I got home at the end of the day I was exhausted, but I LOVED it. I took the job about a year before my son was set to leave the nest for college and I have to say it cured my impending empty nest syndrome completely. You have so much to offer. I'm smiling right now because the image of you coming out of the public restroom with toilet paper stuck to you just jumped into my head. Please don't stay in bed.
Comment by JustAnotherUserName on January 14, 2010 at 8:59am
Dee...I can't add anything to what Sara and Amy said because they've said it all! Whatever emptiness you feel, you have the power to fill it right back up again an a million different ways. Consider yourself hugged tightly :-)
Comment by JustDee on January 14, 2010 at 10:39am
Thank you for your words of wisdom...empty nest syndrome? I've heard of it, never thought I would experience it.

I'm sure you are all right and I know I will get through this as I have everything in my life... it is just so hard to see the forest through the trees right now. I just feel so freaking overwhelmed with how much I am going to miss everyone and the anticipation is probably worse then what the reality will be.

My oldest only lives 8 hours away and we can go to visit them every couple of months...so its not like the baby will ever see us..its not like she won't know us... I can't really explain.
It isn't just the baby leaving...its that the house is just going to feel so empty...but I do appreciate what you are all saying..right now I find it hard to believe that anything can fill this void in my heart..
Comment by JustDee on January 14, 2010 at 11:45am
I know what you say is true.. I know it in my mind...I keep just trying to take deep deep breaths and get through it...
You all know I am not one to live in my pain for long and this too shall pass...
Comment by SydTheSkeptic on January 14, 2010 at 1:35pm
I'll call ya tonight, Dee
Comment by JustDee on January 14, 2010 at 2:16pm
Syd, We are going to be hanging out with the kids tonight..so I will call you when the party breaks up..
Comment by SydTheSkeptic on January 14, 2010 at 3:47pm
k
Comment by spacemonkey1310 on January 16, 2010 at 8:20pm
: (
Comment by JustDee on January 16, 2010 at 9:14pm
@ spacemonkey- I know.. I am very sad... I am still struggling to deal with it and they leave in a couple of hours....

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