All We Can Do Is Try

[ThatGirl]

...to start THIS one off without some things

and take some "other" things into the Future with us.

Maybe this can serve as a tablet upon which we carve what we plan to leave behind and what we find worthy of taking into 2012. ( I'm not keeping score).

A daunting task; to compile such a list, but if it's important enough, its' right THERE (*points at your frontal lobe) just waiting for a voice to release it into the atmosphere. Then it's OUT there, no turning Back.

RESOLUTIONS:  I don't Make 'em, maybe it's my arrogance. The passing of years is just a reminder that one more has been tattooed on my soul but it's a perfect time to regroup, aiming to stop tripping over the same rocks, or plot a new path around them for next year. It's about what I can control in life. If you're not a part of working toward your own future, you have no right to be disappointed in where you land, despite the INNumerable variables working against you (is THIS my religion?).

Resolutions are like Promises: I don't make promises in life. They're like dangerous arrows loaded into a weapon to be shot at just the right moment into a heart. They are the deliverers of pain to others or even ourselves...sometimes just because something OUT of ones control stepped in to change the course of things. Bad idea, making promises. I don't even promise to purchase the latest VideoGame for my kids when it hits the market. Who knows, the popo might intercept on my way to the store, I have this magnetism thing with cops, yes, still.

Last night we enjoyed going in a circle around the fire making lists of what we each treasured as the best of 2011. It probably helped that no one was permitted to start playing music or drinking hot cocoa until they finished, but HEY, I needed a carrot!  It's TOO damn easy to point out the negative. Even our Dear Amy (BlanchenoE got her gift only the last 2 weeks of 2011) and DAMN did she climb that hill everyday prior.   With children by  my side, I've got to wear the false smile, remind them no matter what happens, they have to find the good in every year and remember the value of those things. Then I lockup in my room and primal-scream or crawl into the tub in fetal position until the teeth grinding subsides. My teaching career definitely sharpened my acting chops for parenting. Finding a way to reconcile the BAD in a year is a great time to make jokes, no matter how painful.  We feel like it's GOT to be done, or we risk dragging useless burdens into the future. (not a big fan of martyrdom and guilt)

what Im taking

1. Joyful moments from 2011 which broke through despair and pain
2. My son's life, which I thank my education and one professor for helping me save
3. My academic achievements no one can take away
4. Standing on principle before the courts for my other son's innocence, and future- winning in a small way against pure evil
5. Shedding light on a family of criminals before a judge and the public , Alone, for no gain but the principle as example to my children.
6. Confidence that no matter what darkness comes down upon my family, I WILL protect us, and prevail, with integrity, truth, and knowledge as my tools.
7. Knowledge that when it comes to children, I can only fill the vessel with knowledge and hand them the tools, and it is OUT of my control whether they employ them well or at all in life.

What Im TRYING TO leave behind

1. Events that hurt, even unintentionally
2. Trying too hard to be understood
3. Self doubt even in the face of clear proof of success
4. Physical pain, fear, and feeling completely alone in the face of the most frightening experiences
5. Feeling responsible for every cosmic event which touched my children's and family's lives
6. Questioning my choice to raise my children without fear of a god so that others target them because of it.
7. Anticipating every day What "hatred-embodied" will do next to myself or my children- cant live like that.

Im sure I will want to delete ALL of this,,,even 5 minutes from NOW but this is the way I'm thinking currently.

Feel free to file your grievances OR your own list of CRAP you are leaving behind and JEWELS You are taking along.  Hit Me with your Best Shot, I've been workin out...*limps away 

now GO!!! Report back with any success at any level.  Even.. "Hey TG, I wiped my own Azz today!!"..would be inspirational at this juncture.

[Marie]

You made looking forward a little less lonely....

[JustAnotherUserName]

Here's what I learned this year (which is actually what I've been telling my kids since birth--go figure):

I cannot control what goes on around me nor can I control the actions of other people.  I can, however, control my REactions.  Last year I did a fair amount of boo-hooing, poor-me-ing, why me-ing and spent an inordinate amount of time feeling hateful toward, um, certain people.  

This year, I am going to be grateful, act with love, check my motives, watch my attitude, and forgive.  I wish I could take credit for this list, but I saw it on Facebook.  I know.  Sorry :-)

Love you, Sara <3

[BlancheNoE]

I leave behind a liver named Crappy. I no longer feel malice towards him even though he was quite a jerk to me for many, many years. He could've just killed me but instead he hung in there to get me to the time that was right for my new, much nicer liver named Mike came along.

I dive headlong into 2012 with a new urgency and love for life.

I'm just so fucking blessed it's disgusting.

I will strive to remember at least once a day to stop in reverence to honor life. The one that was lost to allow me to go on, and all the lives that will now be touched by that gift of gifts.

I love you ladies. Here's to our futures *lifts glass of prune juice* ( I promise it will be something tastier next year).

[Pypermarru1]

WOW - incrediable blog.  I'll have to think on this and come back to it.

[lima]

I am trying to leave behind sadness and sorrow and darkness and pain and realize that I have these feelings only because I chose to have them.  I have created what perfection should be so when I don't meet those expectations I am depressed.  

I take with me research and a continuation to learn, educate myself and to "deprogram" everything that has been hacked into my software.  

and i need to work out more...  I am sitting here telling myself to do some sit ups, just a few, but too lazy to lay down and do them.   

[ThatGirl]

@all you guys. YOU make me feel I'm not alone in this moment..and i THANK YOU

Ruth Lima, Amy - thank you for being brave enough to type yours into this crazy blog...

@Lima- I totally FEEL YA and you Can do it. I see you keeping as positive as you can, in the face of all the negativity. Others SEE it in you, even if you don't speak a word. Just remember you are NOT alone, girl. Deprogramming can take a lifetime, and progress is hard to measure.

Situps are easier with loud tunes-get your toes under the damn stereo--let the BASS lift your ass off the ground. Inspirational!

&Pyper - DAMN I miss your comments..looking forward to anything you have to add...even a spanking

[JustAnotherUserName]

Especially a spanking!!

[lima]

oh those types of sit-ups sound extra fun!

[spacemonkey1310]

We so have to catch up on Skype soon. Great blog.

[Chig]

In 2012 I will find where I misplaced my brain.  Wait.  What was it I am .... yeah, ummm... oh, Balls!