Whatever floats your boat...
Feelings...nothing more then feelings...
I'm feeling a little melancholy today. I'm not really sure why. I have a killer headache, that could have something to do with it, after all, who can be happy when they don't feel to good.
I've actually been feeling so much lately. It's like a kaleidoscope of feelings. It seems so long since I really allowed myself to feel anything... so this is kind of scary.
I don't know when it happened, when I shut down but I know that I did. Maybe I didn't shut down as much as redirect my feelings into food. Maybe now that I am not allowing myself the comfort of eating at whim, maybe I am being forced to face all those feelings I tend to bury in layers and layers of fat.
I always thought I ate because I loved food...the texture of it, the different flavors laying on your tongue.. the feel of an ice cold fountain drink sliding down your throat. MMM...LOL
I'm making myself hungry.
The fact is that I woke up feeling kind of sick, headachy and a bit of an upset stomach. I actually felt down right nauseous. So I had a can of gingerale and a sleeve of ritz crackers... I know, not diet food..but it was all I could tolerate at the moment. I haven't eaten anything else today, which is really not good at all. The hardest part of this process isn't staying away from certain foods, although I do miss my soft drinks, the hardest part is actually eating on a set schedule. It is made even more difficult since I have a screwed up schedule. 4 days a week I have to be at work by 2, so I wind up sleeping until 1 and then throwing on my clothes (don't worry, I shower the night before) and running out the door. now I know if I woke up a half hour sooner, I could have some breakfast, pack my lunch...but I just can't drag my butt out of bed. the other three days, I'm off, but I wake up when ever and then I run errands and/or clean the house... but I always seem to forget to eat.
Its about control...don't you think? how do I gain control of myself? that is what I feel like I am struggling with. I can control what I don't put into my mouth, but that is only half the battle. I guess I need to make a schedule.. HA thats almost funny. I am terrible at scheduling. But I have to. I have to actually write down what I am going to do every hour of the day.. maybe that will help me do what I have to do?
maybe I also need to figure out why I keep sabotaging myself. What is it exactly that I am afraid of. It has been said that I hide behind my fat... maybe thats true. Without sounding stuck up, when I was thin, I wasn't half bad looking. In fact, when I was a younger kid, I was told quite often that I was beautiful.. especially my eyes. People loved my eyes. I hated them because... well, I didn't like that people were attracted to me. Lets just say it got me into situations I didn't want or need to be in. So am I hiding behind my fat?
Yes. As long as I am fat, I am invisible to the world. People don't look at you when you are fat, they look through you. So then I don't have to worry about attracting anyone. If I stay fat, I am safe. Safe but so sad.
Which is the right way to go here? Do I lose the weight and put myself in danger or do I stay fat and sad? I don't know...the part of my brain that I think and reason with says, "its time, lose the weight". The part of my brain that deals with my fears is crying out to stay as we are... But I can't, if I do, I will die. I have got to stop being afraid, I'm not that little girl anymore and I can protect myself. I can protect myself....without being fat.
I've actually been feeling so much lately. It's like a kaleidoscope of feelings. It seems so long since I really allowed myself to feel anything... so this is kind of scary.
I don't know when it happened, when I shut down but I know that I did. Maybe I didn't shut down as much as redirect my feelings into food. Maybe now that I am not allowing myself the comfort of eating at whim, maybe I am being forced to face all those feelings I tend to bury in layers and layers of fat.
I always thought I ate because I loved food...the texture of it, the different flavors laying on your tongue.. the feel of an ice cold fountain drink sliding down your throat. MMM...LOL
I'm making myself hungry.
The fact is that I woke up feeling kind of sick, headachy and a bit of an upset stomach. I actually felt down right nauseous. So I had a can of gingerale and a sleeve of ritz crackers... I know, not diet food..but it was all I could tolerate at the moment. I haven't eaten anything else today, which is really not good at all. The hardest part of this process isn't staying away from certain foods, although I do miss my soft drinks, the hardest part is actually eating on a set schedule. It is made even more difficult since I have a screwed up schedule. 4 days a week I have to be at work by 2, so I wind up sleeping until 1 and then throwing on my clothes (don't worry, I shower the night before) and running out the door. now I know if I woke up a half hour sooner, I could have some breakfast, pack my lunch...but I just can't drag my butt out of bed. the other three days, I'm off, but I wake up when ever and then I run errands and/or clean the house... but I always seem to forget to eat.
Its about control...don't you think? how do I gain control of myself? that is what I feel like I am struggling with. I can control what I don't put into my mouth, but that is only half the battle. I guess I need to make a schedule.. HA thats almost funny. I am terrible at scheduling. But I have to. I have to actually write down what I am going to do every hour of the day.. maybe that will help me do what I have to do?
maybe I also need to figure out why I keep sabotaging myself. What is it exactly that I am afraid of. It has been said that I hide behind my fat... maybe thats true. Without sounding stuck up, when I was thin, I wasn't half bad looking. In fact, when I was a younger kid, I was told quite often that I was beautiful.. especially my eyes. People loved my eyes. I hated them because... well, I didn't like that people were attracted to me. Lets just say it got me into situations I didn't want or need to be in. So am I hiding behind my fat?
Yes. As long as I am fat, I am invisible to the world. People don't look at you when you are fat, they look through you. So then I don't have to worry about attracting anyone. If I stay fat, I am safe. Safe but so sad.
Which is the right way to go here? Do I lose the weight and put myself in danger or do I stay fat and sad? I don't know...the part of my brain that I think and reason with says, "its time, lose the weight". The part of my brain that deals with my fears is crying out to stay as we are... But I can't, if I do, I will die. I have got to stop being afraid, I'm not that little girl anymore and I can protect myself. I can protect myself....without being fat.
Views: 12
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Comment by SydTheSkeptic on January 14, 2009 at 7:44pm
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Are we fashionable or what?
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Comment by photo2010 on January 14, 2009 at 7:58pm
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Geez what cuties! :)
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Comment by JustDee on January 14, 2009 at 8:31pm
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hey thats me!!!
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yep and believe it or not, that is Syd on the left....notice that twinkle in her eye,,,,she was a little devil...
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That twinkle on the left is YOURS, Dee. I'm on the right. :o)
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oops,,, I got my left and right mixed up....LMAO
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Comment by Pypermarru1 on January 15, 2009 at 10:22pm
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Sweet Baby Jesus those matching outfits are cute but scary. I woud have complained the whole time my mom was dressing me...ha You know my grandpa always says watch out for the person that tilts the hat back...they are the wild ones the cocky ones. Uh Syd...want to explain your hat tilt please ;0)
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Pyper...the only explanation I can offer is that I'm wild and cocky.
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