Do I have to say the words...Do I have to tell the truth?

[JustDee]

So today is another day and where am I at, almost back to where I started it seems.

How is it that with one spoken sentence I can be right back to where I started?

Why do I let people have such power over me?

Why is it that I need the approval of others?

Why do I feel the power of others disapproval so much more strongly then that of their love?

Oh God, I am so tired of hearing myself talk. I am so tired of the voices in my head telling me I suck. I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. I try to remember it isn't always forward momentum that will get me to where I need to be, sometimes I need to go back and re-examine things, but I'm tired of it all.

What do I want out of my life?

I want peace, more then anything I need peace. Inner peace and outer peace. I need the turmoil in my family to cease (not likely to happen with teenagers underfoot) but more then that, I need to be able to cope better. To be able to take a breath without feeling like there is a knife stuck in my chest.

I want love. The kind of love that comes from acceptance of who I am, not the kind of love that comes with strings or expectations. The kind of love that can leave if you screw up or let someone down.

I want health, I don't want to wake up every morning and before rolling over to get out of bed, feel the aches and pains caused by the weight I have barricaded myself behind.

I want freedom, the kind of freedom that comes from knowing who I am and not caring what others think. The kind of freedom that comes from joy...

Which leads me to.. I want joy in my life. I want to walk in the sunlight and smile at the warmth on my skin. I want to listen to a thunderstorm and feel it roll through me. I want to feel the cool breeze on my skin and know that I am alive. I want to feel joy at these little pleasures...

But I won't have any of this until I deal with the ugly truths inside of me. It blocks out all of the good that could be... it is blocking me.

So that is the truth of the matter isn't it? It's time to deal with it. I guess I have to say the words... I have to tell the truth.. but do I do that here? Is this a safe place to really open up my heart and my soul and spill out all the ugliness that is inside? The truth remains to be seen...

[Pypermarru1]

Funny how we all have inner demons to deal with, different demons, but demons non-the-less. We are all really in the same boat. What better place to purge than the ARK. Really enjoying your blogs.