Am I a real girl?

[JustDee]

Who the hell am I? I sure don't know, I wonder if I ever knew.

First I was a daughter and a sister. Later, I became a friend and a lover and later still a wife and mother. Each of those rolls came with a set of instructions, a way I was supposed to be and feel so I never had to put to much thought into what I wanted or how I felt.

As a the oldest daughter and sister, I became the stand in for my mother. One time in particular, my mother took a short "emotional vacation" and left me to care for my 2 year old sister. I think I was 17 at the time. I had to leave school that last semester so that I could do that and then when summer school rolled around, I couldn't go because my mom still needed me, so I wound up having to graduate the next year in January. I'm not griping mind you, I'm just explaining my role.

As a friend- I was the "Anne Landers" of my group. LOL, every time someone had a problem, they would run to me. Don't get me wrong, I adored my role as the advice guru... it made me feel proud and needed that people sought out my opinion.

As a lover... well, let's not go there yet, we hardly know one another...

I guess the toughest roles in my life has been that of wife and mother, maybe because there is no end in sight. I mean, once you become a mother, it isn't like you can send them back and say, "I don't want to play any more". Becoming a mom was one of the greatest joys of my life and the scariest thing I have ever done. These little creatures who don't know anything, totally depend on you for everything, food, clothing and shelter. But they also depend on you to show them love and teach them right from wrong and you become their anchor in this hard scary world. You become the epitome of everything good and bad in their world and if you screw up, then their toast. But who decided I could pull this off? Who made the call that I had enough to give? Why would they think that I had it in me to be a mom? I sure as heck didn't think I did, but I did my best to live up to the expectations of my children. I tried to parent with love, but I fell so short of the mark it wasn't even funny.... yet, they are beautiful, talented and mostly healthy young women... so it wasn't a total failure.

It has been in being a wife that I have probably failed the most. Part of me doesn't even care anymore and part of me cries out for what could have been. I love my husband, there has been so much I never would have gotten through if it hadn't been for him, but then there was so much I had to go through because of him. From the beginning, his expectations of me were unreal. I always felt he had me up on this pedestal and I use to tell him that he needed to see me for who I really was, not who he wanted me to be. This would just upset him, he felt it was his right to "worship me". Well, who was I to complain? NO, seriously, I don't think he could ever comprehend the amount of pressure this outlook placed on me or that it would leave me feeling that he was in love with the ideal of me and not the "real" me. I knew I would never be able to live up to his image of "Becky Homecky", the perfect house wife and mother.

When I would try to explain to him that I needed him to see my faults and love me despite them the way I loved him, he would actually become upset that I would acknowledge that he had any faults. I don't know how to explain any of this and yet it is such a huge part of who I have become and what I am fighting against. It is such a struggle every day to be who I want to be and not continuously fall into the act of being who he wants me to be. It's like a..... a... a cloak I have to put on every morning to keep Joe happy and God forbid should I forget to put it on and actually allow the real me to be seen, he becomes bewildered and lost.

Really, how do you do this? Explain a relationship that is so fraught with complications in a clear and concise manner. Is there a way to explain how you feel about someone's behavior without making them seem like a harping shrew? He is complicated, he is loving and giving. He reads my moods as if he is in my head. He knows when I need my legs rubbed and he knows just where to touch me to make me shiver... and yet, I feel like he doesn't really know ME. I feel like sometimes, it doesn't matter what I want or how I feel. He is giving and selfish, loving and hateful, he makes me laugh until my sides hurt and he makes me cry until my eyes are swollen shut. He is full of self loathing and doubt and no amount of reassurance seems to get through to him. It is so exhausting to constantly have to repeat all the good things I believe about him. I could just tape it and play it over and over again. The only thing he wants from me... is EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter how much I love him, it is never enough or in the right way. How do I give him everything and still have something left over for myself?

That is the question, isn't it? Can I do what I need to do to be whole and healthy while I am still with him, or am I going to have to leave? I don't know yet but I am hoping that through this process, I figure it out.

[SydTheSkeptic]

I have no doubt, whether it's through this process or through a combination of things, you'll figure it all out.

He is complicated, yes, but you are even MORE so. At some point, you're gonna see, Dee, that an act of love towards one's self is an indirect way (and at times the most powerful way) to love others and do the right thing for both of you.

Maybe he needs you. But maybe he shouldn't.

[Pypermarru1]

wonderfully honest blog. This is the kind of blog I love to read. I could be wrong but I think you are considered the "center" the stablizing force in your circle of people. Doesnt matter about what is going on inside of your mind because all who know you see you as the answer or the sure thing. It is an honorable role for sure but clearly daunting. I don't know you so I am just getting a sense from your great blog. Good luck on your journey.

[photo2010]

Seems that most, if not all of our relationships involve role-playing. One role with our family, one with our co-workers, etc. Growing up, I thought it was my role to make people happy, or else they wouldn't like me. It's funny because a lot of the people around me didn't seem to give a damn about who they pissed off. Even funnier, they seemed to get more respect from those they pissed off, than I did from those I tried to make happy! So I was basically playing the 'doormat', and it wasn't working. Some would define it as martyr. I worked so hard on my last job, my boss told a secretary: "if he wants to be a martyr, let him". That was a wake up call for me when I found out. I started using my work budget and farming out the after-hours stuff. Then one day my boss got a bill for about $10,000.00 He called me in his office and asked: "what's this?" I said that he told me to farm out the work I couldn't do during regular hours, and that was the bill. This was the truth, though in my role as 'the good worker, 'martyr', I never used my budget before. He couldn't say a word, and I didn't get fired. I don't think he ever called me a martyr again. I don't know if this helps you..we all have our own awakenings..if we recognize them. Wishing you all the best. Kevin

[Dunleavy]

I think all of us get to a point in our lives where we begin to question ourselves. Your feelings are valid and important. They need to be dealt with. You have to decide what is best for you whether or not it's the best thing for your husband.