In the beginning....

[JustDee]

It was on July 30,1963 that I breathed my first breath...45 1/2 years later... I'm still waiting to exhale.

LOL... in my mind I have been writing my life story throughout my life and when ever anything big happens, I rename the book and come up with a new first sentence.

So you have all just witnessed the first line of my auto biography, what did you think?

How do people do this, just poor themselves into these things? Let's see, just to chronicle where I am at now, I guess I should put some basic facts about myself so that we can keep things in perspective.

We were a "normal" family, depending on how you describe normal. I had a mother and a father and a brother who was 3 years older then me. Approx 18 months after I was born came another sister and then about 3 years after that another brother and 11 years later... another sister. That was a bit of a surprise and kind of gross to find out my parents were still having sex at their age.

We had an "interesting" life. I'm not going to go into great detail because there are others to consider... but we were dysfunctional at the best of times. We moved a lot. There was very little security and not a whole lot of nurturing going on. That's not to say I wasn't loved, I was, just not nurtured. In fact, most of the time, I felt invisible. In fact, Eric Clapton captures the feelings I grew up with perfectly in his song entitled
"lonely Stranger".


I must be invisible;
No one knows me.
I have crawled down dead-end streets
On my hands and knees.

I was born with a ragin' thirst,
A hunger to be free,
But I've learned through the years.
Don't encourage me.

'Cause I'm a lonely stranger here,
Well beyond my day.
And I don't know what's goin' on,
So I'll be on my way.

When I walk, stay behind;
Don't get close to me,
'Cause it's sure to end in tears,
So just let me be.

Some will say that I'm no good;
Maybe I agree.
Take a look then walk away.
That's all right with me.

Cause I'm a lonely stranger here,
Well beyond my day.
And I don't know what's goin' on,
So I'll be on my way.


by Eric Clapton

I know, its kind of depressing, but when I heard it,,,, it just fit they way I felt growing up.

You know... this blogging thing is kind of... I don't know... intimidating. However, I resolved to not be intimidated.. so here goes.

My parents divorced when I was about 17, however, they continued to live together on and off for the next 13 years. Not the healthiest relationship to see modeled. Well, I've been married for the last 24 years. Can't say we've fared to much better then my parents. We have had an "on again/off again" type relationship as well. At the moment we are on, but who knows about tomorrow. This is something I really don't want to explore but will need to because I think this is the biggest reason I have gained so much weight the last few years. In any case, we have 4 girls, ages 13, 18, almost 22 and 23. My oldest is about to make us grand parents (the brat) LOL, just kidding, I'm actually quite pleased for her. I'm afraid that I allowed my parents example of family life to color my own family. I'm afraid we did not always offer our girls much security in that we have continued to move a lot and the constant state of flux in our marriage has not been safety net for them. This is again, something I need to examine because I carry a great deal of guilt where my kids are concerned.

I have worked hard all of my life to be the best person I can be, but I have sold myself short and allowed my fear and insecurities to stop me again and again. I allowed the world to trample my spirit and crush my heart. I'm strong though, stronger then I really ever wanted to be. So many times in my life, I have thought, if I could just fall apart and be done with it, it would be so much better. But I never could. I always held onto the last bit of strength to get me over the hurdle, leaving pieces of myself strewn about.

So, here I am now, at the beginning of the year 2009, looking behind me and trying to gather all of those pieces so that I can put the puzzle, that is my life, back together. I am going to start at the edges and work my way in. I hope 18 months is long enough....

[SydTheSkeptic]

*sigh* I miss you.

You have no idea how I'm looking forward to being able to read your writing again. You know I see you as a writer...and you know that when we don't write (either one of us), we are denying who we are on a very deep level.

I, too, am starting over again, Dee. The writing, too.

[JustDee]

LOL, thanks Suzecue, now I will know I wasn't missing anything and stop missing the opportunity.