mornings were not meant to be spent this way........(PART ONE):

[rottingcorpse23]

for those of you who know about me and my history with addiction, please feel free to skip these first few parts.......for those of you who are sensitive about issues involving drug abuse, needles, or methadone maintenence, please feel free to skip this whole blog.......

where to begin??

i first started using heroin in my early twenties, and where most users start out casually snorting it i immediately started shooting it multiple times daily......a close friend of mine re-established contact with me after a year-long absence that was explained as this: he had moved into the city with his now ex-girlfriend, hooked up with some dealers, and now was a full-blown addict and dealer himself......he knew i had always wanted to try it; most of my musical and literary idols seemed so drawn to it and had put out some of their best work while on it......he shot me up and i fell in love.......since childhood i had suffered from migraines and a debilitating panic disorder, both of which seemed "cured" by this magical drug.......since he was selling it i never had to pay, and soon found myself using up to ten to twelve bags a day.......a lot of the art you see on my page came from that era.......

inevitably, he was arrested and sent to jail for nine months.......i was left sick and unable to support my habit.......if you've never experienced narcotic withdrawal before, consider yourself extremely fortunate........you feel like you're going to die.......cold sweats, disorientation, insomnia, every nerve and sense amplified, extreme nausea, muscle cramps so bad you can't stop moving.......commonly referred to as "the kicks" because you can't stop, well, kicking and moving your legs and arms.......believe me, it fucking HURTS.......this goes on for about 4-5 days, each day getting progressively worse until you are literally praying for death.......it's really that bad.......

anyway, i had finally been able to get through it and things slowly started to normalize again when he got out of jail.......you're smart, you can guess where things went from there........

i was working full time but i was always broke.......i had hooked up with a couple of other users/dealers and was spending between $500-$900 a week on dope.......at night before i went to bed i would fix it up in the needle and set it next to my alarm clock so when i woke up all i had to do was reach over and bang it........i had to do it this way because by the time i woke up i was so sick that my shaking hands had trouble with the intricacies of the preparation........this went on for a few years until i lost my job......i was living with my grandparents and stealing their credit cards and checkbooks........i was so disgusted with myself, and when i look back at that time it makes me sick.......my grandmother never judged me like the rest of my family.......she knew that i had a serious problem and that under normal circumstances i would never had done anything like that.......i'm just not that kind of person.......i was arrested for possession in june of 2002 and spent 3 weeks in jail awaiting a hearing.......i got lucky and only got probation.......whereas some people might learn from that and quit using, i continued.......i must have detoxed myself a hundred times without successfully keeping clean.......

on july 25th, 2002, i died.......

a friend of mine had scored some new shit and we were sitting in her driveway against the garage door.......i was depressed and incredibly frustrated with my inability to stay sober.......i knew i was doing too much but i didn't care that night.......the next thing i remember was lying on my back looking up at the flashing ambulance lights........the emts had an oxygen mask strapped to my face and i started choking and telling them i couldn't breathe........they restrained me and rushed me to the er........once i was stable they explained that they had given me an adrenaline shot and that when they got to the house i had no pulse.......a police officer came in and asked me a bunch of questions that i refused to answer.......they kept me there for about 14 hours.......when they released me, i felt completely sober.......it was weird......whatever they had given me or had done to me had somehow fast forwarded the whole detox period to its glorious end.......i vowed never to touch it again, and i'm really proud to say that i haven't since.......this july 25th will mark 7 years heroin-free.......most users never get to say that........i've seen heroin take nine of my friends' lives......one of them had a 2 year old little girl......

still with me??
this is where it might get kind of confusing, so bear with me.........

ok, so during the time that my friend was in jail and i was clean (i think it was around '98 or '99) i was involved in a car accident........my head went through a windshield......it wasn't until after i started using again and quit for the final time that i started having excruciating pain in my neck and head.......x-rays showed quite a bit of damage to the vertebrae in my neck, but the doctors all agreed that nothing could be done and they wanted to put me on narcotic pain meds.......i refused and explained that i was a recovering addict......there had to be another way to help me.......i went to physical therapy, chiropractors, neurologists, and tried every non-narcotic med available.......nothing worked......i finally relented and started seeing a pain specialist.......she prescribed morphine and gave me 3 months' worth at a time......i have an insane tolerance to pain meds and found myself taking all of them within a few weeks.......the cycle started all over again.......i was sick from the withdrawal and my boyfriend and i were er-hopping to stockpile enough to get me through until i could refill the morphine.......it was such a fucking joke.......i was miserable.......

in september of 2005 i found out i was pregnant with our daughter (i had been completely clean and sober throughout the pregnancy and delivery of our son, so the fact that i was on narcs with her scared the living shit out of me).......i tried to detox asap, but my ob warned against it.......apparantly narcotic withdrawal while pregnant can cause miscarriage.......i was terrified.......

enter methadone......

(i have to pause here......my hands are cramping up from all of this typing and anyone still reading this is probably really bored by now or has to pee......i will continue for those interested either later this evening or tomorrow morning, i promise......thanks for sticking it out this far.......)

----alisha.

[JustAnotherUserName]

Still interested. Definitely.

[BlancheNoE]

I normally would rather have my wisdom teeth pulled with no anesthesia than cooperate with Chig, but in this case * WAVES LIKE I JUST WON A MILLION BUCKS *

[Kat.Ballou]

so much beauty in dirt. write on!

[Dunleavy]

Also awaiting part 2. Thanks for sharing.

[luvdabun]

you are a brave girl . Bravo for sharing and I was not bored. I want to share something with you oh besides ~warm bunnie hugs~ ha ha now ya got fur all over ya he he he she is sheddin 8-)