The Ark

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Hello,

I have several blogs written that I haven't posted yet. I have been writing. I will post them. I just have to chew on them a bit. I will say that the journaling of memories of my beloved father has been a bit of comfort. I find myself feeling somewhat normal during the day and when I'm busy. But at night, when all is still, it's something else. I have stopped the shedding of daily tears. I can talk about him without that tightness and lack of air. But at night...that's something else entirely.

My friend asked me today, "when are you going to allow yourself to mourn?" What? You mean there's more? Strange dreams, restless sleep, a constant gnawing that I have forgotten something? Where has my "normal" gone? I left the water running at work today. I walked out of the dispensary. Several people were there. I felt their eyes on me and I stopped. When I turned to find out why all had gone quiet - odd thing for a bunch of hair dressers - when I noticed the water. I went back, turned it off, and left the room. They all think I was just so busy, or had something on my mind. A couple of them asked me. "What's going on? You seem a little off lately." Oh? hmmm...I hadn't noticed.

It's not like I am constantly thinking about my dad's passing. Leaving me here to fend for myself with my mother. My mother and my son, incidentally, had a falling out the day after the funeral. There will be no reconciliation. The words exchanged were more hurtful than usual. That weighs heavy on me. It would break Papa's heart. He loved his family very much. Even those that made love a difficult task.

Strange that I felt the need to come share here in the wee hours with you tonight. I don't do so easily or elsewhere. I have managed to turn on the waterworks again, for the first time in several weeks, so I will close now. Thanks for listening.

Views: 67

Comment by JustAnotherUserName on April 22, 2012 at 9:29pm

My happiest and saddest moments seem to have been shared here first.  There is comfort here.

Yeah, my friend...there is more.  It comes in tiny droplets...then like a firehose...then a little misty, then back to firehose, and then even more combinations of that.  But it gets more emotionally manageable as time passes.  

As for your mother and your son...I admittedly know nothing of the situation, but I do know this:  never say never.  Life has taught me many harsh lessons and that's on the top of the list.

I'm with you in spirit :-)

xo,

Ruth

Comment by BlancheNoE on April 22, 2012 at 10:14pm

You came here because you smell the empathy.

It also attracts mischievous chigs and wayward badgers sometimes.

*big hug*

-A

Comment by Dana (scribblers sanctuary) on April 22, 2012 at 11:10pm
Ruth - thank you. This would b easier I suspect if I had any idea of what to expect. Thank you for kindnzess and the heads up. :c)

Amy - I knew that smell was familiar. I'm sure that there's a scientific study somewhere that says chigs and wayward badgers are good signs of safe places and empathy. All necessary for healing. :c)
Comment by Dana (scribblers sanctuary) on April 25, 2012 at 12:11am
Hiya Paula. Welcome and nice to meet you as well. Thank you for your kindness.
Comment by NatureJunkie on April 26, 2012 at 7:25pm

I have been grieving for an elderly friend who died almost two years ago. Any thought of her brings tears and the tightening in the throat. The conventional wisdom is that it takes a year to overcome a grief. I've found with some it doesn't take even that long, and with others it never seems to pass. But it will. Eventually.

"Where has my "normal" gone?" Don't worry, Dana, it's only on hiatus. Grief and joy take alternate turns in their dominance of normalcy. My heart is with you.

Comment by ThatGirl on April 27, 2012 at 9:37am

@Dana- I don't know what to say without saying too much or too little, but I know your mind/body/spirit are grappling with trauma, and that will tend to put you off balance when/where you don't even realize, like leaving water running, forgetting why you are standing in a place...a sort of out of body state that comes and goes. Loss cannot be "gotten over", really, it's just a matter of adjusting to the change. Afterall, everything you do, everyday, will have a piece of your dad come with it. I also believe Ruth is correct, from experience as well, NEVER say never and the cycle is unpredictable...this IS a safe place at all hours even just to cleanse your writer's mind...and get some kind of validation, you are okay....love d

Comment by Dana (scribblers sanctuary) on April 27, 2012 at 11:43pm
NJ- I'm going to take you at your word. Thank you sweet friend.
TG - You said just enough. I keep coming back here. Reading and re-reading the comfort I find here. "...you are ok..." Thank you for that especially.
Comment by Pypermarru1 on April 28, 2012 at 2:30pm

Everyone is spot on and I have nothing more to add except - I really like seeing your ICON appear in the blog section - I know something interesting is behind it :0)

Comment by Dana (scribblers sanctuary) on April 29, 2012 at 12:54am
Pyper - thank you sweet friend. This is definitely my safe place.

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