You would think that as I come upon my 46th birthday, that I would have my life figured out. You would think that I would know what I want to be when I grow up and that I would no longer be suffering from the amount of doubt and self loathing that I deal with. You would think... but no. Here I am, about to turn 46 and I am still wondering what it's all about.
There was a time in my life when I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted out of life and quite frankly, I don't know how I got so turned around. I don't know what the hell I am so afraid of or why taking that first step to figure it all out is so damned hard to start with. I know that I am a strong person. Lord knows I have walked through the fire of hell... well, that is actually a bit dramatic, the truth is that I have 4 kids who, despite me, have turned out pretty well. I'm not underplaying the difficulties I have had in my life.. but really, I know that there are actually people who have had it so much worse then I have.
In fact, I would say that probably my biggest problems right now, I have brought on myself. My weight for one thing. I hold onto my fat as if it is a buffer, from what I am not sure. I don't even understand how I could feel it is a protection in a way when I hate it so much. I hurt everywhere, everyday and not because there is anything wrong with me other then the fact that I am obese. Yet, it scares me to lose it. I have this crazy thought that I will some how be worse off if I have all of this loose skin hanging off of me.. sorry to be gross, but when I lost weight last time, it all just hung there and it was so yucky...of course, I didn't really exercise, so I don't know if it would have eventually tightened up, but I was almost relieved when I started to gain weight again because at least then, everything was tight. LOL, ironic isn't it?
Another problem that I really do not get, is my reaction to being touched. Not just by my husband, but my girls too. When they were younger, I hugged them and loved on them all the time, but when they got older, I had to make myself hug them, or rather remind myself to and even then, I didn't like to hug for long. I was always the first to pull away. I never really noticed it so much until Amanda started to get older, she will be 14 this august. Now Amanda is my baby and I loved holding her, in fact, probably up until the time she was about 6, I still held her and rocked her. Not all the time.. just when she wasn't feeling to good or she had a boo boo or some other silliness. Sometimes, when she is down in the dumps, she will come to me and ask me to rock her.. it is kind of funny since she is taller then me and I don't have much lap and she has a lot of booty. We kind of laugh through it, but in my head, I'm thinking, "when is this kid going to get off of me?" When I was younger my younger sister (Syd) and my younger brother (Frankie) use to chase me around the house trying to hug on me. I hated it and they thought it was so funny, but it really upset me a lot.
I think I do a pretty good job of hiding these feelings from my kids, but my husband is another story. It is just a reflexive behavior when he reaches for me, to pull away. Not to get to personal,
but can you imagine how he must feel when ever he wants to get "lovey dovey" my first instinct is to pull away? I have to actually take a deep breath and "psych" myself into it. I know he tries to not feel rejected, but how can he not.
The next "problem" I need to deal with are my sleeping patterns. I have always, since I was a baby, had trouble sleeping at night. My mother use to say I was a night owl. She would check on me in the middle of the night and I would still be awake as late as 3 am. Well, it is 3 am as I type this and I am only just now starting to get sleepy and it doesn't matter if I have to get up at 6 am and then work all day. It doesn't matter if I can't keep my eyes open through the day, the night comes and I just cannot fall asleep and if I make the mistake of taking a nap, it is even worse. One time I fell asleep at 11 pm and I woke up at 3 am and could not fall back to sleep for the rest of the night.
Another thing that I have brought on myself is the state that my house is in. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't disgusting, but it isn't as clean as I would like it either. In fact, I feel like my house looks like my insides.... LOL. It's functioning but in a great deal of disarray. Things just don't get put away. I realize I don't live here alone, but Joe is working like 15-18 hrs a day and Amanda is usually at school and at the moment, I'm not working. I get up in the morning and I think about all the things I want to do that day and then before I know it,, Joe is walking in the door and I did maybe a 10th of what I planned that day. I feel like I just keep moving the same stuff around...
I want to go back to school, but the idea of even trying to "FILL OUT THE PAPER WORK" petrifies me. I need to go back to school. I need to finish what I started so many years ago. I need "ME" back.
Geez, I just came back to finish writing this blog and I just sound like such a whiny bitch... someone should send a WAAAmbulance to me, I might die of feeling sorry for myself.
Holy moses, I see why I am having a problem... I can't even get out of my own damn way.
I am afraid of so many things but when I sit back and wonder why, there is no real answer for it. I have just always been like this. When my husband and I were first married, we lived in El Paso Texas. We didn't have a car and my husband always wanted to take the bus to explore the city, but I was scared. I was afraid we would miss the bus coming home, I was afraid we would get lost, I was just scared.
Now, 25 years later, I still feel the same way. People are supposed to grow as they get older and yet I continue to live in my fear of everything... getting lost, being late, being touched, not being touched, being hurt, not being loved, not being loved enough, not loving enough. I'm afraid of dying and of getting old, I'm afraid my husband will die before me and I am afraid he won't. I am afraid for my children, but the fact is that except for Amanda, they are full grown women now.
I'm not going to find the answers tonight, but I need the answers because my fears kept me from living my life, at least living the life I wanted to live... I just hope it isn't to late.