Things I would have said if I knew you were leaving:

[JustDee]

So, this is going to be my first blog entry and I thought I would keep it light and airy but I have a lot on my mind these last few weeks, most of which have to do with my dad.

My dad passed away a few years ago and I miss him terribly. I still go to pick up the phone when something goes right or wrong in my life, he is still the first person I want to talk to. He always made me feel like he loved me the most (I had 2 sisters and 2 brothers). My dad was no saint, in fact, he was a real sinner...LOL. He screwed his life up any which way he could and he took us all right along with him. The fact that he died at the relatively young age of his mid 60's should not have been a shock to me and yet it was.

I spoke to my dad the night he died. My older brother told me that my dad was giving the nurses a hard time and wouldn't co-operate with them. Oh, I guess I should mention that my dad was in the hospital after having undergone a quadruple bypass surgery. He had made it through the surgery and in fact had gone home, but he had complications and had to go back in. He didn't want to be there and he was making the staffs life miserable. Anyway, my brother asked me to call and talk to him and see if I could get him to calm down and let the staff take care of him. So I did. I called my dad and we spoke for a few minutes, he sounded good. I told him he needed to get better because I wasn't ready for him to die. He scoffed at me and said, "I'm not going to die". But something in his voice did not convince me..
I said, "Dad, please, I'm not kidding, if you die, I will never forgive you."
"I'm not going to die." he barked,
"promise me dad, promise me you won't leave me." I was begging.
His reply was soft but still not reassuring, " I love you honey"
"I'm not kidding dad, if you die, I will NOT forgive you. I'll talk to you later."
click

It was early the next morning that my brother called to tell me that my father had passed away during the night and it hit me that I didn't say "I love you too"

It was a few days later when I realized what the last words were that I said to my dad.
"If you die I will NOT forgive you"

What was I thinking, was I not going to forgive him for dying? Was I not going to forgive him for all the turmoil and upset he caused in the life of my family? Was I not going to forgive him for not being perfect? Why were those the last words I said and what would I have said if I knew they would be my last words to him?

Dad,
If I knew you were leaving, I would have said, "I love you" . I would have reminded you of the time you played hide-n-seek with us kids and you hid in the big picture window for over an hour while we searched for you. We could have talked about family game night and how you taught me how to play scrabble. I would ask you if you remembered the Christmas Eve that you let me stay up all night with you and we watched like 5 different versions of A Christmas Carole. We could have laughed about the time, when you left Joey in a gas station restroom when we were driving to California or how you never got lost, you just found new and interesting ways to get to new and interesting places. If you hadn't of gotten lost on the way to CA, we never would have found "Flintstone Land".

If I knew you were leaving, I would have told you how much I appreciated how you always tried to make things fun. I would have told you how much I was going to miss you and probably how scared I was to be without you but that I would be ok because you helped make me strong.

Daddy, if you told me you were tired, I would have tried to understand. I would have come to hold your hand and not let you go alone. I could have kissed your brow and whispered, "I forgive you". I hope you know that I do Dad, I hope you know that I understand that you only wanted the best for us. I know you were driven by a need to give us everything and more. I forgive you for your failings, I forgive you for the turmoil in our lives. I forgive you for your lies and your manipulations. I forgive you for hurting mom over and over again. I forgive you for the insecurities you heaped on us. I forgive you for going.. I forgive you for leaving me alone when I needed you the most. I forgive you and Dad, I forgive myself for saying that to you because I know in my heart you understood that I was saying that I loved you. I hope you have found peace Daddy.

[JustAnotherUserName]

Oh Denise! What a beautiful, eloquent entry.

He knows.

xoxo,
Ruth

[SydTheSkeptic]

Dee....

[Dunleavy]

This is such a beautiful blog and makes me remember things I really enjoyed about my Dad.

I didn't know your Dad, but I'd like to believe he didn't hear you tell him you wouldn't forgive him for dying, but instead heard how much you still needed him in your life.