In recent weeks, because of my own journey, I have begun to research the reasons behind loneliness. What I found out surprised me. I actually blogged about it last week but I took it down after a comment was left that hurt my feelings. This, in and of itself, proved to me how sensitive a subject this was for me.
I grew up in a family of 7, I had 2 brothers and 2 sisters (although my youngest sister was not born until I was 15). You would think that I was never lonely, but I was always loneliest when we were all together. On a social level, it appeared I had many friends, which in truth, I did. It was infrequent that I would be without something to do, somewhere to go or have someone to talk to. Yet, I remained, at the heart of the matter, quite lonely. When I married and had my own family, I thought, "now, now I won't be lonely anymore", but no, still I felt "apart" from those around me. Again, the more people I surrounded myself with, the lonelier I would feel.
When I began to examine my "feelings" on this site and with the people here, I had to look at why I felt lonely. Why do I always feel "apart" and never "a part of" from those around me? Why is it so difficult to engage with people? What was I really afraid of? And, what part did all of this play in my overwhelming sense of sadness and anger even? I didn't have any point of reference since I have always just felt this way, so I began to research first what loneliness was and then what the cause of loneliness was. This is what I learned.
According to wikipedia: Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form human contact.
OK, so now I knew what it was and it seemed to fit with how I felt, but what was the cause of loneliness? What I found out was that loneliness can manifest in feelings of abandonment, rejection, insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness, unworthiness, meaninglessness, and resentment. Lonely people self-describe in very negative ways such as feeling empty inside, unacceptable, and separated from others. They also say they feel vulnerable, relationally inadequate, and spiritually empty. They indicate that they feel pessimistic, disliked, and unappreciated.
Another component of loneliness is the anger. People suffering from loneliness feel angry at others because they perceive that these others are unwilling to rescue them from their loneliness. This perception assumes that other people possess the capacity but nonetheless refuse to "remove" the loneliness that is being experienced. Although most of us know that this is an unrealistic expectation, it is none the less an overwhelming element in the disease known as loneliness. Chronic loneliness can also lead to depression.
So where does this leave me? Why is it important that I know these things? For me, it is just another indication that I need to change the inside of me before I try to change the outside of me. I need to change the way I view myself before I can expect others to "SEE ME". Maybe my feelings of being lonely are more about being disconnected from my self then being disconnected from humanity....And so.. my journey seems to continue... once again I delve into the world known as 'justdee'....a more desolate place I have never been.
Just kidding guys... I'm just kidding.. just a touch of artistic license there....