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It hurts all the time. The moments of waking up in the morning, (or at 4am), may be the worst.
That's when the realization that my Mom isn't here hits like a wall. I want to talk to her again.
I do talk to her, and to my Dad..but...

I hired help 24/7 for the first two weeks. Since I am disabled, I was afraid to be alone. I've had
to cut back on the hours because the cost is prohibitive. I may have to take a reverse mortgage
on my condo to pay for continuing help. I need the companionship more than anything right now.

I'm thinking of speaking to a grief counselor. The hospice that was here for my Mom offers it.

I feel tremendous guilt that my Mom spent the last six weeks of her life in a nursing home and
hospitals that treated her very badly in my opinion. They let her fall out of her wheelchair three
times. When she came home she was bruised all over. I am only grateful that she was able to
be home for that one day and I told her I loved her.

I'm sorry..I can't write anymore.

Love to all who have been kind to me.

Kevin


Views: 12

Comment by JustAnotherUserName on April 9, 2010 at 11:50am
I'm glad you're writing, Kevin. It will help. I found that sharing the pain helps me to deal with it.

Do see a grief counselor.

I promise that someday it won't hurt as much. That's about all the advice and comfort I have to give. You have to let time do the rest.

As always, lots of love and positive energy coming your way.

xo
Ruth
Comment by NatureJunkie on April 9, 2010 at 3:27pm
I was just thinking about you this morning, Kevin, about how we haven't heard from you and I was wondering if you were still able to get to your computer. I'm glad you checked in.

I think that talking about grief helps a lot. I also think that there's an air of unreality around a loss as monumental your mother, and giving words to the grief helps to make it more real and less like a nightmare. If you have access to a grief counselor, by all means, you should take advantage of that. During the tough times of my life, receiving sympathy from others was an enormous comfort to me, especially when I lost my mother.

Time, sympathy, sleep, and humor (when you're ready) are all great healers.
Comment by BlancheNoE on April 10, 2010 at 9:47am
You know my thoughts are wrapping around you.
Comment by photo2010 on April 10, 2010 at 5:12pm
Ruth..I find writing a little easier than talking about it. I think grief counseling might help. I can't believe three weeks have passed already. xo

NJ..It''s strange, sometimes talking about it makes me feel worse. I just can't think about the enormity of it sometimes. My laptop is in my bed. I just don't feel like opening it that much lately. I would add..hugs may be one of the best healers.
((((hug))))

Blanch..Yes I can feel that. Feels awesome.
Comment by SydTheSkeptic on April 10, 2010 at 11:26pm
Kevin, it's at least good to hear from you but I'm so sorry it's been this hard for you. You obviously were a wonderful son to your mom. Big hugs to ya, mister.
Comment by photo2010 on April 11, 2010 at 1:36am
Syd..We had a special bond. I moved back home 22 years ago, and it's just been me and my Mom since my Dad passed many years ago. Thank you for your kind words. Big hugs my friend.
Comment by CoZzMiX on April 11, 2010 at 7:22am
Hi there Kevin... I lost my Mum a few years ago and it's tru what they say "you only get one Mum" right! It's a big loss and when like you and me you where living with your parent also a big adjustment.

I don't have any magic words of advice that will make everything OK, but if it's company that's a problem feel free to skype me, I don't work either at the moment due to illness so I'm usually available... I know you don't know me but I remember you from livevideo and I'm sure we can find something to talk about!

Most of all take care and remember things will get better than they are now... it will just take time.

*Positive Vibes*

Howard.
Comment by photo2010 on April 12, 2010 at 6:28pm
Hi Howard, thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you've suffered the loss of your Mother also.
I can't see things getting better for me. My health has been deteriorating of late..

I wish you all the best.
Kevin
Comment by photo2010 on April 13, 2010 at 1:33am
I just wanted you all to know how meaningful your friendship is to me.Thank you, you're all very special people.

Hugs,
Kevin
Comment by JustAnotherUserName on April 13, 2010 at 9:41am
Your presence here is important, Kevin! It helps remind us all of what is important in life. Hang in there, my friend...

xo
Ruth

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