The Ark

Whatever floats your boat...

                                                                     First World Problems
                                                                                           - BlancheNoE

   I’m here to talk about a very serious medical issue that effects thousands, possibly millions of married couples worldwide. I call it Jealous Colon. That’s right, I’m going to go there. I am of an age that I am allowed, if not expected to talk of such things.
    It happened in slow and sneaky fashion, such that I don’t remember how it turned from occurring once or twice a month to being a nearly daily part of my morning constitutional.
    I awake half blind, stumble to the coffee maker and set that up and then head for the bathroom. Thanks in large part to Nature’s Path Smart Bran and Squatty Potty I exit the bathroom feeling fully evacuated. As I ready myself for work I hear my husband’s first stirrings. As I’m priming my travel mug with hot water I hear his steps as he moves down the hall to the bathroom, closes the door and then the trigger : The ceramic “tick” sound of the toilet seat back hitting the tank when my husband lifts the lid of our one and only toilet. The first twinge strikes me deep in my gut. Even though it happens daily, I still marvel to myself each time at the impossibility that I’d need to go again after fully evacuating 15 minutes earlier.
    As the micro-seconds tick by I am clenching and concentrating on holding it in so as not to rush my husband with his own morning constitutional. He knows without fail that as soon as he finishes toweling his face and opens the door, he will find me standing on the other side with my eyes popping out and he will turn sideways to let me rush past him.
    On Saturdays he sleeps late and I never have to poop twice.

   I am not proud of this affliction and never thought of myself as the jealous type. Please do your part to raise awareness of this global-wide threat to marriage.

    On second thought, we have much bigger problems so never mind.

Views: 121

Comment by NatureJunkie on May 6, 2018 at 6:14pm

Whenever I've lived with someone, I've experienced the cousin of this phenomenon: jealous bladder. As soon as the bathroom door clicks closed, my kidneys fill the bladder spillway faster than Niagara. Must be why I've never wanted to marry.

Comment by BlancheNoE on May 8, 2018 at 7:21am

WTF !?, I put this here so no one would read it *dramatically closes the shower curtain*.

Great. Now Pence's people will add women shitting to their threats to marriage to outlaw. Anyone else who reads this, please burn after reading.

(virtually hugs NJ)

Comment by Chig on June 2, 2018 at 4:58pm

Damn it Blanch.  I'm paying anywhere like 50 cents to five dollars for every word typed on this site every month and you are talking about bowel movements.  Can we keep the site content out of the sewer?

Comment by BlancheNoE on June 4, 2018 at 9:06pm

@ Chig- I took a survey of all active participants....we both said no. No we can not.

I'm glad to drop a dollar in the no-filter-geezer jar.

Comment by Chig on June 18, 2018 at 8:54pm

Lets see.  I am keeping a tally... Bowel movements, WTF, Butts, vaginas sewn to faces... Gonna need a bigger jar.


You need to be a member of The Ark to add comments!

Join The Ark

© 2024   Created by Chig.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service