Whatever floats your boat...
First World Problems
I’m here to talk about a very serious medical issue that effects thousands, possibly millions of married couples worldwide. I call it Jealous Colon. That’s right, I’m going to go there. I am of an age that I am allowed, if not expected to talk of such things.
It happened in slow and sneaky fashion, such that I don’t remember how it turned from occurring once or twice a month to being a nearly daily part of my morning constitutional.
I awake half blind, stumble to the coffee maker and set that up and then head for the bathroom. Thanks in large part to Nature’s Path Smart Bran and Squatty Potty I exit the bathroom feeling fully evacuated. As I ready myself for work I hear my husband’s first stirrings. As I’m priming my travel mug with hot water I hear his steps as he moves down the hall to the bathroom, closes the door and then the trigger : The ceramic “tick” sound of the toilet seat back hitting the tank when my husband lifts the lid of our one and only toilet. The first twinge strikes me deep in my gut. Even though it happens daily, I still marvel to myself each time at the impossibility that I’d need to go again after fully evacuating 15 minutes earlier.
As the micro-seconds tick by I am clenching and concentrating on holding it in so as not to rush my husband with his own morning constitutional. He knows without fail that as soon as he finishes toweling his face and opens the door, he will find me standing on the other side with my eyes popping out and he will turn sideways to let me rush past him.
On Saturdays he sleeps late and I never have to poop twice.
I am not proud of this affliction and never thought of myself as the jealous type. Please do your part to raise awareness of this global-wide threat to marriage.
On second thought, we have much bigger problems so never mind.