Been a bit blocked lately

[JustDee]

and I don't mean constipated....

I have not been able to bring myself to write a blog for the last few weeks.. even responding to blogs seems to have become difficult for me... again. I have begun to respond to some really good ones,,, Syds blog about her disbelief in romantic love and now Ram's blog about gun violence.

I'm forcing myself to write this and I probably won't make a bit of sense because what ever comes out is getting posted...
There are things going on... not terrible things.. but you know.. life in general.

My girls have moved out...Kim to Albany, Kate back to Long Island... My oldest came for a visit,,, but she too is now gone. I was sick for about a week...I hate my job.. I mean I really hate it.. not that I could really put a finger on why... but bad enough that I had a panic attack when I had to go to work the other day.. that is just crazy and stupid. What else ? My husband and I are on an upswing...what does that mean? That means that we have put our cards on the table and said "ok, this is it... we either make this work or we walk away" so we are doing our best to make it work. Love is hard sometimes.

The 13th anniversary of my sister's death is coming up... I've been trying to deal with it... what I mean is.. I am trying to stop "not dealing with it". The day I heard about it...my older brother called to let me know...I screamed...a heart wrenching scream....as if ..well.. as if someone had just ripped out my heart... but I scared my girls and the fear on their faces stopped me cold. I put a lid on it.. took a few deep breaths and got through it. I can't honestly say I have ever really grieved for my sister or my brother....it was my plan to do a video for them.. and maybe finally put them both to rest in my heart....but even just in writing this.. the pain is deep and I don't know that I can really bring myself through it without falling apart... I can't fall apart....but I know that this is a hurdle I have to get over to move forward and I really want to move forward...I have come pretty far these last few months... so.. I have to take these next few steps.

Maybe that is why I feel blocked.. part of me is very ready to get to it.. but the other part of me is so scared to look at that grief and feel it and push through it... even though I know that if I can get to the other side of it.. if I can just deal with it already.. it will be a major hurdle holding me back....
well.. I'm going to post this now... I think...

[JustDee]

ok.. I posted it... that is more then I have been able to do these last few weeks...

[spacemonkey1310]

As far as jobs go I try and think that success doesn't bring happiness but happiness brings success. You need to get out of there if you hate it. Well that's what I would do but I'm free in that respect. I hope it works out for you.

Also I'm sorry for yours and Syds loss. Truly don't know how anyone would go about dealing with what happened (I know a few details from Syd). I'll be thinking of you both.

[JustAnotherUserName]

Awwww....go easy on yourself, Denise. You've made some big changes and maybe haven't dealt fully with your sister's death. The changes you wish to make in your life won't happen overnight. You have to give yourself time to adjust the ones you've been able to make!! xo, Ruth

[SydTheSkeptic]

I'm really glad you wrote this, Dee. I know how healing the act of writing is...I wish that for you. We both know Frankie and Cas would wish that for you, too (and dad).