The Ark

Whatever floats your boat...

Today in my Notebook (Wasted Potential: A Potential Collection-Volume I)

Setting: Boston Pubic Garden
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I think I am, therefore I am, I think.
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Nice to meet you Sir Noble Know-It-All
Can't say it's been a while
Torture me with your trumpery
I'll nod my head and smile

Although I know you're talking
I see lips and teeth and tongue
All that hot air that you're blowing,
You must have an iron lung

So deliver your dreadful doctrine
Ramble your wrongful report
Give birth to babbling bullshit
And call her Babs for short.
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fear # 826: That everything that I come across which strikes me as somehow remarkable will make me just a little more unintelligent.
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Dislike: cops on horses. see also: cops.

Dislike: swanboats. see also: swans. see also: people who feed swans. see also: people.
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When I sneeze my nipples get hard. Every time.
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4:26 pm - psycho swan terrorizes baby duck
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4:28 pm - bombarded by bridal party. In background of wedding photo- make sure asscrack is showing.
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Anyone who walks on city sidewalks should be required to take sidewalk etiquette 101. Anyone who walks with an umbrella should take it twice.

prerequisite: personal space 101
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Steve the Hypothetical Human
-underdeveloped character
-overdeveloped ego
-asshole tendencies
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Public Displays of Affecting the Public
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On the other hand, there are different fingers.
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Bald people are probably a lot more aware of the top of their heads.
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Humble is often the worst kind of arrogant. I think that's where I'm at.
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4:39 pm -There is no hope for this child who is throwing sticks at the ducks. I want to see him fall in.
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Today I discovered a single, thick hair on the underside of my chin. I plucked it, and wondered how many of it's kind are in my future. Bleak outlook.
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There is something so primally satisfying about seeing animals trip.
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The majority of us have sucked on our mother's nipples. Countless times. If not, you are probably mutated, or republican.
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Like: The noise a wet duck's feet make on a hard surface.
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Everybody, when being interviewed, is the same default douche bag.
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In front of me, there is an unnaturally small child.
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Unnaturally small child speaks Russian. Figures.
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When I think I'm onto something, I am probably on something.
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The raw, truthful moments in my life during which I make at least one innocent bystander visibly uncomfortable are among my proudest.
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Sometimes I think I don't know how to talk to children, but I'm thinking it's more that they don't know how to talk to me.
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Memorable moment: Example of a functional converstaion with a child.

Setting: Last fall, hungover. Laying on my back at an apple orchard I was dragged to by an overplanning type of friend. I am nauseous, staring up at trees, wishing they would stand still. Trying to hold my breath to spare myself the stench of rotting apples and rotten children. A girl, no older than seven in a yellow shirt and denim overalls enters my field of view, upsidedown. Hands on hips.

child: why are you on the ground?
me: you are too.
child: you're weird
me: you're bold. what's your name?
child: Brio
me: wanna be friends?
child: do you climb trees?
me: um, absolutely
child: okay.

child leaves frame of view. trees sway. apples stink. overplanning friend enters frame of view.

overplanner: were you just talking to that kid?
me: yeah
overplanner: ....about...?
me: life

(end scene)______________________________________________________________________________________
The sound of brass instruments inexplicably stirs anxiety in me.
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The most satisfying dreams make you feel shittiest upon waking up.
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A girl on her cell phone just said: "why do you keep talking back to me!?"

I laughed, out loud.
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A fat guy just said: "sauteed cellophane noodles" whilst picking a wedgie.
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Endnote:

'pubic' was an unintentional spelling error, turned intentional.

Endnote:

suckit.

Endnote:: I realize this is typical Kat.Ballou tl;dr status. see also: suckit

Love,
Kat

Views: 12

Comment by Kat.Ballou on June 13, 2009 at 8:57pm
@motc-I was sitting here trying to come up with something to respond to that with. meanwhile, I was making a squishy sound with the bottom of my eyelid. I decided I should just tell you that.
Comment by photo2010 on June 13, 2009 at 11:54pm
Kat, why do I often think of your video in the mall when Batman walked by, yet I remember absolutely nothing that I was taught in high school?
Comment by photo2010 on June 14, 2009 at 1:37am
One more thing, this blog has comments on a par with George Carlin, and that is a high compliment!
Comment by Kat.Ballou on June 14, 2009 at 3:59am
@kevin- funny you remember that batman moment, I had to stop and think what you were talking about. ALSO! I wish I could take credit for adopting a Carlin-esque vibe, but those first few lines are pulled from his book Napalm and Silly Putty, which I was reading right before writing in my notebook. So I guess you could say he got the wheels turnin. Glad you picked up on it!
Comment by Kat.Ballou on June 14, 2009 at 4:00am
@ mel & motc: mel is hot for my chin hair. be jealous. keep it down you two I gotta be at work in exactly 4 hours.
Comment by spacemonkey1310 on June 14, 2009 at 11:16am
You're like a female Chuck Palahniuk. Just plain brilliant.
Comment by SydTheSkeptic on June 14, 2009 at 12:46pm
Wow...you're like- Twitter Queen and ya don't even know it.

WHY must you remind me of the fact that i sucked on my mother's nipples.
If we should ever meet, I will be sure to slap you silly for that one (after all them hugz).
Comment by photo2010 on June 14, 2009 at 9:16pm
@Kat, I have the audiobook Napalm and Silly Putty on my computer. Great to hear George Carlin speaking it. I wasn't thinking of it when I commented though. Funny.
Comment by Kat.Ballou on June 14, 2009 at 11:23pm
@spaceballs: that's sort of what i meant by fear #826. that one's hard to explain effectively
@syd: i've actually never even checked out twitter, because i'll probably like it. I bet you tend to forget that your mother even HAD nipples, let alone the fact that you've suckled them. you're welcome.
@suzecue: you're saying I should have LEFT it?! it's length suggested that I was probably not the first to notice it. I'm doomed.
Comment by photo2010 on June 15, 2009 at 2:25am
@Kat, I'm still thinking about the whole Carlin thing. I went to a concert he was giving once..only thing is, he never showed up! Hundreds of people waiting and leaving disappointed. We were told he got lost or some bushwah, but everyone figured he was probably trashed in his hotel room. If you were channeling his vibe a little, t'wouldn't be a bad thang. ;)

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