Past New Year's Eves and lost friends

[Dunleavy]

Today is the first day of a new year. I was actually awake this time when the New Year rang in. I was talking to MrPoe while playing Poppit on Pogo. I actually heard the fireworks from Knotts Berry Farm in the distance. It made me remember of years past when I was at Knotts for their New Year's Hallelujah Jubilee. I wonder if they still have them.

I never really enjoyed them but was always expected to go. Those were in my Christian music days when I worked with Christian bands. I spent the evening running around trying to catch everyone's show and saying hello to those who needed to see me. If I missed someone, they took it as a slight. Most of the time I attended by myself, but I remember one year I had a date. That was the year I left my husband. I had a friend who helped me through the mess that had become my life. I was clingy and miserable and emotional and that was what Tony needed. I fell for him hard and I remember thinking how lucky I was. Never mind the fact that I had promised myself years before never to become involved with a musician.

He was the lead guitarist of a Christian band I worked with. His label asked me to go to San Diego to hear them. The label told them that if I liked them and they could get in my good graces, then I would make things happen for them. Well I liked what I saw and we became friends. I did their album release parties, I booked them into churches for special youth evenings, took them into radio stations for interviews, introduced them to other bands and even took them dinner while they were recording their second album.
I met them before I was married; when I was just engaged. None of them attended my wedding which I thought was odd. Actually, none of the musicians I considered friends did.

The year before I was married, I drove down to San Diego on Christmas Eve to meet my future mother-in-law. She was visiting from Austin, Texas, and Brad had me meet him at a supermarket because the house was a little hard to find in the dark. As I was waiting for Brad in the supermarket, I happened to run into Adam and his wife. Adam was the lead singer of the San Diego band I had grown attached to. They kept me company as I waited for Brad to show. He was a little irritated when he arrived and found me talking with friends. I remember he used to complain about me knowing people wherever we went. He used to hate it when people would tell him I was nice. Looking back, I understand now why none of my musician friends attended my wedding.

When I finally left Brad, Tony was my confidante. He was the one I called when I had panic attacks and crying fits. He was the one I told my fears to. The one who could get any secret out of me just by listening. We had phone calls hours long which were filled on my end with silence and tears. He made me feel hopeful that I would get through it and that everything would be okay. He wrote me a song which he recorded with Adam in the garage and gave it to me. It stabbed me in the heart because it was exactly how I felt. Adam wanted to record it for the new album and he said no. It was something special he had written for only me. When Adam asked me for permission, he told me that it was a song which other people needed to hear; a song that could touch others like it did me. I couldn't say no when Adam asked. They brought in another one of my friends to sing along and I was touched Adam thought of that. I was still surprised and disappointed when I heard it finished on the album. The roughness wasn't there; it was smoother. I didn't feel the pain of heartbreak anymore and Tony was unhappy with the result.

Although Tony and I were close friends, we never crossed the line physically. Emotionally, it was a whole other story. That New Year's Eve was our first and only date. I had begun seeing a therapist weekly and talked more about what had happened. My therapist convinced me to use writing as a tool to my recovery. I had always felt more comfortable communicating through writing. That Christmas I wrote a piece called Conversations With a Terrorist and gave it to all my close friends, including Tony. It was a series of short personal essays and poems about my failed marriage. It was a triumphant experience for me because I felt I was ready to move on.

My relationship with Tony changed at that point. As I became more self-confident and less needy, Tony became more distant. He wasn't happy I was getting better and I was trying to hold on to what I thought we had.

The following year I attended a music conference in Nashville and talked about retail stores doing music promotions on a small budget. I talked with Tony every night and remember the night I realized it was over.

He told me the story of how he had gone to the beach and swam out too far. He had a leg cramp and was being pulled out farther. He was afraid he would drown and was rescued by a lifeguard named Lisa.

Later I learned she was a single mother and as messed up emotionally as I had been. He called me about all the crazy stuff she did, told me he was afraid of her and then asked her to marry him on the radio during my friend's show. He called me the next day excited and was surprised and hurt I wasn't happy for him. When I asked him why I should be, he said he exaggerated the drama. I felt my heart breaking. I was grateful for his help in my life during that difficult time, but I learned it was never a healthy friendship.

I did hear from him after that. He continued to call me from time to time even though I said very little to him during the calls. He even called me and told me he needed me there when he married her. I told him no but decided to attend on the day of his wedding. Maybe that was a form of self-punishment. I do know I felt I needed to attend as a sense of closure. My friend Chris wanted to go with me and I refused. I attended, sat in the back, cried silently and left when it was over. I didn't even speak with him and didn't realize he had even seen me until he called me the following week to say he had looked for me after the wedding. We didn't talk again after that.

For a long time after that I stayed away from men. It wasn't until I met MrPoe that I began dating again. We had met online on a BBS my friend ran called Barovia. I was looking for some vampire books for Christmas to give to him and MrPoe told me about one called Vampire Winter. It was out of print unfortunately, but MrPoe offered to let me borrow his.
We met and talked for a long time. Then we began dating and the rest is history.

On June 7, we will have been together thirteen years. Thirteen years which haven't been altogether perfect, but which I wouldn't change for the world. So in the end, everything worked out as it should. I like to think the emotional heartbreak of Brad and Tony helped prepare me for MrPoe. Or maybe I'm just hopefully unrealistic.

[Dunleavy]

You're welcome, Deborah. Thanks for reading!