My Brother Yelled At Me

[Dunleavy]

I got lost today coming home from Long Beach. Well, not really lost. I was preoccupied and missed my turn. Ended up taking the long way home. Normally I wouldn't have minded, but I needed gas and there weren't any gas stations in the immediate area. Needless to say I arrived home in one piece.
My brother yelled at me last night when he got home. I had spent the evening with Mom at her apartment and it hadn't been a good night. He asked me how she was and I told him she was confused. She didn't know where she was supposed to stay the night, she was irritated with my sister Diana and she couldn't understand how I had found her since she's normally not there. My brother got mad. Began yelling about how all of us act like this is something new. "Mom is f@*%ing old. She doesn't remember anything. She doesn't even remember any of us coming to visit her the next day. It isn't going to get any better and I wish you'd stop complaining about it. You and John and Diana always bring it up like it's new and it's not. That's just the way it is. I'm not visiting her as much anymore because she doesn't remember me coming over anyway. Deal with it!" he yelled. He apologized later of course.
I could have told him he shouldn't have asked how she was if he didn't want to know. I could have told him my way of dealing with it is talking about it where his way is not seeing her as much. I could have told him he was an asshole. I didn't say any of those things though. I just let him yell at me, apologize and then went in my room. I didn't even tell MrPoe about it later when he called. Still haven't actually. I suppose he'll learn about it when he reads this.
And today I am just so tired. So tired of everything. I love my family. I really do, but sometimes I don't like them very much. Today my Mom is sick and my sister asked me to go over and take care of her. It's my day off. I said no. My brother (the one who yelled at me last night) had to change his plans and go over. I feel a little guilty over that, but I'm really not in any mindset right now to take care of Mom. I don't have the patience to answer her questions ten million times or explain to her that Dad is dead. Her feelings get hurt so easily these days and she thinks everyone is always mad at her. I guess the good thing about her not remembering things is that she doesn't remember when I snap at her. I remember though. I remember a lot of things and I'm having a hard time letting it go when it comes to my family.
Years ago my Mom's heart stopped on Christmas Day. She had just finished dinner and then slumped over in her chair. For a couple weeks we didn't know if she was going to live or die. She had to have a defibullator put in. I remember the first night at the hospital I went into the bathroom with my sister and she told me what had happened. I had gone to see Titanic with friends. My sister told me she couldn't handle her Mom dying -- Dad yes, but not Mom. I couldn't believe she said that. There have been times when I've wanted to talk to her about what she said that night. How much she hurt me when she said those words. She probably doesn't even remember saying them.
My brother and his family happened to be visiting from Colorado and stopped on the way to see friends down in Escondido. He took me aside and told me, "I told Mom it was okay to die. We'd all be okay without her." That was after the bathroom trip with my sister. I remember thinking who the hell are these people?!?
Dad was a complete mess and we were concerned about him because of his medical problems. He wouldn't leave the hospital and I promised to stay with Mom so he would leave. I don't know how many days and nights I stayed at the hospital. MrPoe came one day and made me leave because I smelled from not taking a shower. I do remember that.
Mom recovered and years later, we found out Dad had cancer. It began in his prostrate, moved to his kidneys and finally his brain. The doctors wanted to remove his kidney but because he had diabetes for fifteen plus years, he would have had to start dialysis immediately. He decided not to do anything and just let it run it's course. At first I was angry at him but then I realized that he actually prolonged his life. If he would have done what the doctors suggested, he would have gotten tired of doing the dialysis and stopped. He would have died much quicker. The doctors told him he had a year and he lived three.
My Dad wanted to die at home and he did. My Mom and I took care of him and then hospice came in at the end. I was the one who took him to doctor's appointments, emergency room runs at midnight and helped him to the bathroom when he couldn't make it himself. Towards the end there were times when I don't think he remembered who I was. I asked my brothers and sister for help and to visit more but everyone was busy with their own lives and families. My brother, the one one who yelled at me, helped sometimes. They would ask Mom how Dad was and she would tell everyone he was fine so everyone told me I was making it sound worse than it was. When his driving got really bad, I was the one who took his keys because everyone agreed he shouldn't be driving, but no one would do anything about it.
After I set up hospice, he was dead within four days. My brothers and sister spent a lot of time with him then but he was no longer awake and slipped into a diabetic coma. They couldn't believe how fast it happened. Maybe the bitter end was fast, but he was dying for years. At the rosary, some of them commented about me not feeling any guilt about not doing enough. I told them I didn't have any guilt at all. I know I did everything I could have possibly done for my Dad. And although I didn't always like it, I would gladly do it again.
I'm not doing everything I can for my Mom though. My brothers and sister decided they weren't going to treat Mom the same way they did Dad so they moved her into a retirement/assisted living place. I visit her about three times a week for about three hours each time. I try to take her to Target or CVS once a month and I eat dinner with her a couple times a month. If she was still living with me, I would see her everyday like I did Dad. Maybe it's a good thing she's not at the house still, I don't know. It's a different situation. I'm not as close to my Mom as I was my Dad. Mom and I have always had a strained relationship. And now it's hard to do anything except sit and watch television with her. But I guess that's what I have to do. I just feel guilty and I feel like Dad would be disappointed in me for not taking better care of Mom. I imagine Dad is pretty disappointed in all of us right now.

[JustDee]

Hey,

I don't know what to say in response to this. I hope purging it helped you some. I don't have the experience to offer you words of advice but I do know from others that it is so important to take care of YOURSELF during this time. You were absolutely correct in not running when asked, you have a right to your own time and you have siblings who should be picking up the slack.

if you deplete yourself you will not be doing your mom any favors, please remember that if you remember nothing else.

I was also closer to my dad then my mom. I don't know why, but I have blamed my mother more for all of the upheaval in our lives then my father. Like for some reason he couldn't help himself so she should have been stronger and taken control of the situation.
oh listen to me, making this all about me... I do that sometimes.

Be good to yourself first and foremost, it is the best way to care for your mom.