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Brianna Comes Home

Autistic daughter 17 comes home to visit for the first time in a month - she is now living in a group home.

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Comment by JustAnotherUserName on April 18, 2010 at 6:32pm: Oh Deb...I'm sitting here just sobbing. I know how lighthearted you meant this to be, but I also know how you REALLY must feel and what an ordeal this must have been. She looks wonderful--really she does.

As I've said here before, Debra and I go back 20+ years. Both times we were pregnant together. We were professional colleagues, co-workers, across-the-street-neighbors and are now ridiculously close friends who have both been through our respective wringers with the tragedies that have befallen our children.

There is such a HUGE backstory with Brianna...our gorgeous little girl who just grew and grew and grew and one day became unmanageable, no matter how lovely her mama makes it look here. I've always said that I think Debra had it more difficult. Except in my heart, my ordeal is over. Hers will continue for the rest of her life and beyond.

I love you so much, girl. And I say again, you ARE doing the right thing. I know you still doubt it. But you are, you are, you are.

xo
Ruth

Comment by JustAnotherUserName on April 18, 2010 at 6:42pm: Correction....Eric was a little older than Brianna. I remember well his frustration that his attempts to play with her and share with her were rebuffed. Truly the best of times...the worst of times....!!! That was before we "knew."

Comment by Debra on April 18, 2010 at 9:13pm: I love you Ruth - no one really knows or understands the termoil that goes on inside of me except for a few close friends - you are one of them. Thank you for the kind words - I've been in tears for the past few hours - it was more difficult bringing her back there today than it was the first time I took her - not sure why? Hope I can see you soon - I'd love to come to California some day. Take care.

Comment by JustAnotherUserName on April 18, 2010 at 9:42pm: Why? Because it's not the way it should be. It's not "normal." Children shouldn't die before their parents and parents are supposed to take care of their own children no matter what.

However, the REALITY of life is that this isn't always possible. You will always struggle with this because she is your baby...your daughter. In your mind, YOU should be the one caring for her and society makes you feel inferior because you are no longer able. But they don't know the truth. They don't know what happens inside of your home.

But anyone who truly knows you and the situation knows. This is the BEST way to care for her. And Elijah. And you. I know the "you" is at the bottom of your list, but not mine :-) You are being the best mother ever by taking this impossible step. You do have two children and Elijah especially needs you now. This is the only option for you to have taken. And I say again...it is the right thing to do.

I love you, Deb :-)

Comment by Debra on April 18, 2010 at 10:12pm: I love you too Ruth. By the way - when are you going to write a book bout your life? You have such an elegant way with words - it would bless many.

Comment by SydTheSkeptic on April 19, 2010 at 5:26am: Wow- you can tell how loving and tender you are with Brianna just by the way you film her. She's beautiful. The exchange between you and Ruth compelled me to watch it again with new eyes.

Comment by Debra on April 19, 2010 at 7:33am: She is beautiful Syd - she has touched a lot of hearts over the years - it is hard not to love her even when she is a stinker and let me tell you, she can be a stinker!

I'm not sure why Brianna sat so nicely for me to cut her hair - it took almost 20 minutes - she has never ever done that before - normally I would be lucky to get her to sit long enough to comb it.

Comment by Pypermarru1 on April 19, 2010 at 7:56pm: Wonderful video. I just watched a documentary on Autism. They say it's rarer in girls. Apparently those that can not verbally communicate have stunned doctors with their ability to read and spell, when given the tools, a skill they learn on their own. Amazing documentary.

I like the way you exchange with her - I'm sure it's difficult and wonderful.

Comment by NatureJunkie on April 19, 2010 at 10:45pm: A couple of years ago a friend let me read an essay she had written about her autistic son, Charlie, about how she felt life had dealt her a bad hand, but also about how deeply interesting and loving her son could be in spite of his limited language ability. I don't know what will happen to Charlie when he grows up. Perhaps he'll have a place to start an adult life, like Brianna. I hope so---it looks like a great place.

Comment by Debra on April 19, 2010 at 10:46pm: It is all of that and more - she is a beautiful spirit and I love her dearly. There are a lot of dark sides to autism that outsiders don't understand and even those of us on the inside can't explain. The older she gets the more questions go un-answered. Thanks for the kind words.