IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT....

[JustDee]

So.. today is my birthday and I am sitting here at almost 2:30 in the morning contemplating my life...

Actually, I seem to do that every night so really this has nothing to do with my birthday...

So I am 46 today, that is almost 50. In dog years I am 322. Wow.. almost 50, when I was a teen ager, I thought 63 was as old as I would ever get, that gives me another 17 years of life..LOL.

Can you imagine? I actually thought 63 was like OLD. What a laugh that is now. I don't actually feel like I am 46. I still feel young as far as maturity level goes. I feel as if I never really started my life so in some ways, I am still ...not old..LOL. Physically I am about 110. My back is bad, my hips will probably have to be replaced in the next few years (I have arthritis in just about every major joint). My eyes are so bad I can't even see well with my glasses on (and yes, I just got new glasses). My boobs think they are supposed to live down by my knees...LOL. Mentally I feel kind of old, my memory is kind of shot, I don't know why, I never did drugs or drank heavily (well, not to often at least). But emotionally, I don't feel all that old, certainly not almost 50.

On the other hand, I cannot even imagine living another 46 years, at least not like this.
So what am I going to do about it? Am I going to complain about the state of my life for the next 46 years...? I don't think so...but it isn't the thinking that scares me, its the doing.

I have figured something out recently, it won't come as a surprise to some, but it kind of did to me. I think I am afraid of succeeding because I think if I did everything I ever wanted to do, it would have meant the end of my marriage. Yeah, it was a real surprise, I'm not quite sure what to do with that realization. It isn't something I am going to wonder about today though, today I am just going to enjoy getting older...apparently with age comes wisdom...LOL

Happy birthday to me...

[JustAnotherUserName]

Yes, Dee...happy birthday to you! I came to a similar realization a few years ago--right after your dad died, in fact. Turns out it wasn't as scary as I'd imagined it to be, and life is better for everyone now--especially my ex and kids.

[JustDee]

hmm..interesting concept...he might be better off without me...

there is something I hadn't considered...I don't really like that idea though..LOL

I'm still kind of attached to him...I do love him after all...at least I do on most days...LOL
No seriously, he is truly my very best friend. I just really cannot imagine my life without him. I don't know what the future holds, I guess if its going to work he is going to have to let me grow up. If he can't deal with it... then I guess we will have to take that step...its not what I want... but I don't want to feel like this for the next 46 years either...

I never really had a "bucket" list, but I think I have been kind of making one for the last year or so. I have lost so many people unexpectedly and I could be next. I don't want to leave this world only having lived half a life...so..he will either grow with me or I will grow without him...that is a scary thought though..

thanks

[Pypermarru1]

Happy Birthday Dee. Happy pondering ;0)

[SydTheSkeptic]

No seriously, he is truly my very best friend.

...and just what does a marriage certificate have to do with that? If this is the case and you are truly best friends and it goes both ways, why not end it on that note so you can both move past it and get on with your lives?

Will PM the rest...

Happy Birthday, Dee.

[JustDee]

thanks Pyper...

@Syd uh oh....

[photo2010]

Happy Birthday Dee! Ponder tomorrow, eat cake today! ;)

[JustDee]

@MOTC and MEL

thanks for the input, it is very appreciated. I didn't mean to suggest that I would have to leave him before I was able to accomplish anything, it was more the fear of what my accomplishing anything would do to our relationship. I agree, less pondering and more doing... I couldn't have said it better myself.

Mel, I am pretty good at putting myself down.. but girl, do you have me beat.. what is this, "Mel just recognized her place" crap? Your place is right on top with the rest of us.. so come on up here..LOL

Seriously, I do appreciate everyones comments. I know that people are probably tired of my belly aching, but it is really just how I work things out...so, yeah, I have an appt next week with a financial aid counselor at the local community college.. I have asked Joe to come with me... we will see where the ball bounces as time goes on..

[SydTheSkeptic]

Hey, don't let Doug fool ya, he's one of the best rodeo clowns around. He lassos my Internets.

[JustAnotherUserName]

I know nothing except for my own experience. So MY internet psychologist opinion is that Dee wants to end her marriage, although perhaps not her relationship with her husband because of their 4 children, grandchildren and rich history together that spans more than half her life. I don't really think she's afraid of her accomplishments getting in the way. I think if she's afraid of anything, it's the realization she's come to in her heart, but isn't ready to put it into words. Those words being, "I want a divorce." They're cold, shocking and painful and an introduction to a world of hurt. It can work out well for everyone involved if everyone works at it, but it's still a rocky road getting there.

Again, this is based solely on my own experience...but some of her posts sound awful familiar to me...and now I maintain a great relationship with my ex, with whom I had three children and to whom I was married for more than 1/2 my life when I came to a similar realization :-)

Love ya, Dee....!