Last Call Blog...

[Dana (scribblers sanctuary)]

I am posting this here knowing that in a few days, The Ark lights will be going out. 

Anyway...

10 years ago today. Life happened in a way I never anticipated. Arriving home from a trip to Alaska to hang out with my grandsons that included mani/pedis, parks, movies, gamestop visits, setting off home security systems, and all the other trouble we could get into while mom and dad were away, I arrived back in Kansas City around 11 pm. Lovey was about 2 hours late picking me up and absolutely wrecked that he had fallen asleep and not been there when I arrived. I wasn’t worried. I knew I was home well past the time he usually fell asleep at night and he would eventually realize how late he was. He did. By the time he arrived, I was outside on the curb and all he had to do was pull up and I threw my luggage in the back and jumped in the car. 

Lovey was practically traumatized that he had kept me waiting so long, especially after such a long day with layovers, getting up early and all the machinations that create travel weariness. I was just glad to be home and so happy to see him. 

We had gone through a rough patch, as all marriages do. A rather long one. Roughly a year and a half of really having to choose between choosing each other and choosing ourselves. This was unusual for us. In the end, we won. Because, despite the ease of giving up, the fatigue of having to constantly choose to be good to each other, to forgive, to look inward and see our contributions to the situation that had caused the rift, we were best friends. We took our vows seriously. We thought long and hard about what we were willing to give up to give our love, our marriage, and life as we knew it -  the life we had and were continuing to build the valiant, old college try. 

In the end,  our relationship had changed for the better. While we loved each other, our relationship was strong, but  not necessarily healthy for either of us. We fell into a rythym. There was a lack of balance, which is something I have always struggled with. I look up ¨balance¨ in the dictionary every now and then to remind myself of what that actually means and find it a bit tiresome because I have to work so hard to achieve it and so hard to maintain it. IYKYK 

We had created a new, more balanced, a bit scary and very hard change in the balance of our lives and balance in our relationship. It was painful for both of us. I was thinking about this during the couple of hours as I waited for Lovey to get to the airport. I was feeling proud and grateful because we had succeeded where failure would have been a lot easier. We had survived where giving up would have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually, cheaper. And we had done so with our self respect and trust and respect in each other no only in tact, but stronger. We were better people. 

We were talking about selling our house. Moving to Texas. Starting afresh together. He was still apologizing for being late, I was excitedly telling him about the surprises I had brought him, how I wasn’t angry and was sorry I couldn't get a flight that arrived earlier, and how much I had missed him. This was particularly important to me. I  missed him while I was gone. Really missed him. I felt it in my bones. We were back to loving each other the way best friends and spouses should in the best of circumstances. I was thinking about how grateful I was that we had chosen to fix us. 

The last thing I said to Lovey was a response that a happily married woman would say to her happily married husband. And then, it happened. There was  a noise, the car started spinning, picking up speed, lights and noise I can’t really describe. And Lovey. Terrified. Time nearly stopped but the sensations and sounds did not. I was trying to reach for him but my arms were flailing.  And then everything stopped. We had been hit from behind by a speeding car that sent us into a spin on the wet interstate, and after what felt like minutes but was probably seconds, we hit the center median guard and stopped instantly. Just like that, life as I knew it, was changed. I will spare you the details of what followed.  I was instantly faced with living alone (again) in a life built for two. I was shattered. That is to be expected. I was in physical and emotional pain that far surpassed anything I had ever experienced. And I had no idea what to do next. 

Fast forward 10 years. Many of you have been on this journey with me since the beginning. For that, I am very grateful, even though I’m sure I have not expressed that enough. Life is different now. I have worked hard at being an active participant in my own healing. Some did not understand. Some did not understand my process, (or lack of one). I’m still working on it. The pain has transformed into something different. It is not something I can express so I won’t try. There is joy now. There are remnants of the trauma that I have not yet conquered. I still have a way to go but I have come farther than I thought possible at the time and wonder why I still need work in some ways. Much has been lost. Much has been gained. But this day… the 28th of May, the days leading up to it and the few days following it… I am back in that car. I am remembering the last hug, the last conversation, the last moment being a moment of love and joy.  The feeling of gratitude that we were being kind to each other, loving each other, in our last moments has been my salvation. I have spent these last 10 years trying to be the person Lovey thought me to be. I hope I have honored the person he was, the person he was becoming. 

 It is a day of duality for me. A day of indescribable sadness  joy, living side by side. I am grateful for the time we had and who I have become as a result. I am grateful that I still have the opportunity to continue growing and learning. And, I am grateful for everyone along the journey. If you are here, I am grateful for you. 

To Lovey, You mattered. You still matter.  You are greatly missed, greatly loved.

[NatureJunkie]

I have to admit, Dana, when I saw a new entry in the blog column on the home page, I felt a little start of excitement just at seeing something new here. Thanks for a tiny jolt from the good old days.

I remember the video you made announcing your husband's death very clearly because the news was so shocking. As I recall, you yourself were injured pretty badly in that accident, too. I can't imagine going through the devastating grief you experienced while also trying to nurse my own body back to soundness. I admire you for many reasons, but especially for the way in which you dealt with that catastrophic moment in your life. Living with grief is wretched. Using it to grow is phenomenal. I'm grateful you are still here.

[Dana (scribblers sanctuary)]

NatureJunkie - Thank you so much, dear friend. 

[Chig]

That was wonderful.   I just sent out the message.   There is more time.   

[Dana (scribblers sanctuary)]

Chig -  Thank you. For the kind words and the temporary reprieve. Even though most of us have moved on to other things, I still feel such a connection to my friends here. 💙