The Ark

Whatever floats your boat...

That is what I have been asking myself lately... where the frack am I?

In all of this blogging and even my recent vlog... WHERE AM I?
I have noticed a difference in myself, others have noticed a difference in me.. I think that is great. I really am grateful for the strength to have pulled myself out of a self inflicted prison. I have been hiding my heart behind a brick wall for so long, I almost forgot I had one. It feels good to be free but its scary too.

I have been reaching out to people I don't know...letting strangers see my inner turmoil.. where will this all get me in the end? Maybe I should stop while I am ahead? Maybe I have just put a bandaid on something that needs surgery? I don't know, I'm just not sure. I feel good... really good for the first time in years, but can it really be that simple? Can a few blogs do what 20 years of counseling had not been able to do? How is this possible?

Where am I? Is this me? What happened to the other me? Is it really this simple to turn things around? Please someone tell me this is not temporary? Someone tell me that I really am ME? But how would any of you know? Since this is all I have let you see....

I know I still have stuff to deal with...grief that is so scary to look at, but when I try to.. I cringe because I just don't want to go back to that prison. So can someone please tell me that I haven't been fooling myself...

Views: 11

Comment by SydTheSkeptic on February 9, 2009 at 4:32am
We're all fools. None less than the other.

I read there were studies done about how if you smile long enough your brain starts releasing the happy chemical. It really believes you're happy even if you put a smile over non-happiness.

So, the way I see it, we live day to day on the deck of happy smiles, and when we're ready we dive down to the wreck, get what we need (proof, pictures, long-lost parts of ourselves), and then we get back up on that boat and we look at the artifacts. But after that, we smile again because it's what we need to get through the day to day stuff.

Comment by Pypermarru1 on February 9, 2009 at 9:23am
Syd summed it up wonderfully. I agree.
That old saying is true "your life is what you make of it". When my shit starts surfacing I put a smile on and get on with it, make the changes necessary to get back to happy. I dont deny or avoide my demons but I dont let me lead me in my life. I believe this is it for all of us and so I'm not going to spend it wrapped in the sorrows of life or things that might have happened to me. To be honest it doesnt always work...but I give it one hell of a try.
Dee, I just love that you are working through your stuff, vlogging and blogging. Your honesty brings a smile to my day. It is refreshing.
You are no fool you are like us...a work in progress.
Comment by spacemonkey1310 on February 9, 2009 at 11:52am
Sometimes the knowledge that we're not alone is enough.

Consciously or sub-consciously v/blogging helps us articulate or hi-light a specific area where we can't get objective input in the day to day I think. The fact that people only see what we show them and cannot judge us on anything else lends clarity and helps cut to the chase quicker.

Or we could all be fools.

Either or really : )
Comment by photo2010 on February 10, 2009 at 7:23pm
I ask myself "how did I get here" on almost a daily basis. Yesterday I was a kid in college with hardly a worry in the world, today...
But a lot of good happened between then and now. Good and bad choices. I don't think you've been fooling's all 'grist for the mill'. I don't think life is about being happy all the time..clearly not..but if we didn't have the sadness, would we know the joys?


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