How many of us here suffer from depression? I don't mean the "I'm a little blue today" type of depression, I mean the "mind numbing, strength sapping, can't sleep, eat or think" type of depression. The kind of depression that jumps up on you when you least expect it. The kind of depression that makes you so tired that you are surprised when you take another breath. the kind of depression that makes you wonder if tomorrow is really going to be worth waking up to? I'm not talking about suicide, so please no "intervention" emails. I'm talking about the feeling of just not caring if tomorrow comes or not. The emptiness that takes you away from the people you love the most and keeps you from doing the things you love to do the most.
I know most of you can't even imagine what this must feel like, at least I hope that most of you don't know what it feels like.
One day I woke up at about 8 am, this was about 2 years ago, I woke up and I just laid there. It was a Saturday. It was a bright day, the sun was out, I could hear the birds singing. My husband was on the computer about 10 feet from me, playing his video game. I just lie there. I didn't say "good morning". I didn't ask him what his plans were for the day, I just lie there. I didn't even get up to run to the bathroom (my normal routine). I just lie there. I don't recall thinking about anything. I don't remember making any kind of decisions, I just lie there, not moving.
It was eleven before my bladder insisted that I relieve it.. which I did, but then I got back into bed. My husband turned around and said, " I didn't know you were awake, I was trying to let you sleep." I said, "OK" and rolled over so he couldn't see that I was still awake and I continued to lie there. Not sleeping, not thinking, not moving. I didn't turn on the TV or the radio and I had no inclination to get on my own computer and boot up. I just lie there ... doing... nothing.
The girls came in and out of my room, thinking I was asleep, they spoke quietly to their father in whispers as they went about their day.
It was about 3 when my husband got back into bed and realized that I was indeed awake. "Are you ok?"
I looked at him as if seeing him for the first time, "I'm fine" I said quietly as if I would disturb someone if I spoke in my normal voice.
He stroked my hair, "how long have you been awake for?"
I continued to stare at him, "all day."
His expression changed to one of concern as he felt my forehead. "why didn't you tell me, we could have done something today?"
"why are you just laying here?"
"Do you want something to eat, how about some tea?"
I shook my head declining his offer.
"What is going on with you?"
"nothing" I looked away, unable to continue to see the fear in his eyes, " I just don't feel..."
he waited for me to continue and when I didn't, he asked, "don't feel what?"
I looked him in the eyes then and looked away again," anything, I don't feel anything"
The thing is that I was fine the day before... don't ask me to explain it, I can't. There was no logical reason at that time for me to feel like that, but I will tell you that it took more then 3 months for me to start to feel like myself again....
Now, now I feel like I am there again. In that bubble. I can see the world around me, but it is distorted, I can hear, but it is muffled, I can touch, but I can't feel...
I'm not asking for your sympathies and please don't suggest medication, been there and done that, it just makes it last longer. I'm ok, I am just trying to log this feeling while I'm in it... so that when I am me again, I can look at it and try to understand from a better perspective about what happens to me. I was going to keep this blog private, but then I started to think, maybe other people have some insight into these feelings or perhaps, someone will recognize themselves and realize that they aren't alone.