CHOICES...

[JustDee]

I have been wondering a lot about the role "choices" make in our lives. I mean, have we gotten to where we are by a series of deliberate choices or have circumstances dictated our lives? I didn't "choose" to be born and yet I was. I didn't "choose" who my parents were or if I would have brothers and sisters. I didn't "choose" in what order we would be born....I didn't choose to grow up the way I did. I did however choose to survive all of that. I did choose to move on from where my parents left off. I did choose my husband, I chose to have my children. I chose to make decisions based on the information at hand at the times decisions had to be made...

So why do I find myself feeling as if life has run over me and I have no control when the fact is I can choose to take control...?

[Jim]

I, too, love your spirit, Dee, your choice to never be defeated by life. I like to think that I would be that way if I were at the end of my rope. There's someone close to me who, on a regular basis, expresses a desire to give up, to cash in their chips. I say that there's always a glimmer of hope, always one more thing to try, especially when you have little to lose.

[photo2010]

@Dee, I am far from a defeatist. In fact, i continued working at a very physical job for another 12 years after onset of a very painful health condition. Ironically, because I fought so hard to keep the job i loved, to save face in effect, i probably caused myself even more physical harm. Sometimes the tree limb that bends to the wind of adversity survives the storm, while the stiff bough breaks.

[JustDee]

@photo... It was not my intention to call you a defeatist...I'm sorry you took it that way. Please believe me when I say I do not see you that way. I was only expressing that the attitude of entropy trumps choice seemed defeatist.

Again, this is not about giving up or being defeated, its about the choosing how to live your life. You continue to choose life, you don't have to. Is your life of your choosing, I guess not, but you still continue to choose it over death. My brother chose death. My sister chose to hang out with a dangerous crowd, which lead to her death. I have a friend who chooses to relive a very bad time in their life rather then let it go and move forward. I have a husband who chooses to live with regret and anger in his life. We all know people who choose to fight through unbeatable odds, only to lose in the end, but they chose life the whole way through, ie; Patrick Swayze, Christopher Reeve.

Photo, we all make choices every day, some of us make active choices, some of us choose to not act. Again, this is not an indictment on either way or you or anyone else. This is only a statement of how I CHOOSE to live....

[JustDee]

@Jim- I have a lot of tolerance for most things, but it would and does make me crazy when people give up. One of the things that pisses me off the most about my brother committing suicide is that he gave up. I think I can understand why he did, but I don't like that he did. What gets me through the harder times is realizing that tomorrow has to be better then today. I appreciate your comments, but I would like to reiterate, this isn't about the strength of a person.
As I told Photo, we all make choices every day...I guess what I would like to see is people be more aware of the choices they make.. even when someone chooses to do nothing, that is a choice... maybe if we all became are more aware of the fact that doing nothing is also a choice, we might put more thought into it and maybe actually become ACTIVE participants in our own lives...
Thanks again for your input.

[JustDee]

@ NBC- thanks Sarah. I give up all the time.. LOL, I think you all know that since I have blogged about it a time or two. sometimes I give up for an hour, sometimes I have given up for weeks and weeks. But something always brings me back to the point of "getting over myself".

I know some people will think that I was pointing a finger at them, but really, blogging here is a reminder to myself to move forward. A "promise" of sorts to do better then I did yesterday. I have been going through a hard time these last 6 months. Things have been going on that I felt were beyond my control and it quite frankly depressed the hell out of me. For starters, I injured my hip which caused me an intense amount of pain. It felt like my world got smaller and smaller every day because I could do less and less. Money became an issue because I couldn't work. Simple things like sending an email, or making dinner or even sitting at the table to eat dinner became more and more difficult.
I didn't know what the problem was, and it became increasingly obvious that it was just getting worse, to the point that getting out of bed to go to the potty became an issue. I cut down my fluid intake just so I wouldn't have to get up as often. I didn't go to the Dr because I told myself we couldn't afford it (no insurance) but it finally got to the point where I knew I had to make a choice to lie there and die or get up and start living again. I bit the bullet and went to the Dr. It took a month to get an initial appt with a low cost clinic (sliding scale). That was a difficult time because I chose to live, but I still couldn't and in fact physically I got worse.
Because I was spending so much time in bed, after catching a simple cold, I wound up getting pneumonia. Plus I was missing out on spending time with my family because I couldn't go anywhere with them.
Once I was finally able to go to the dr, I had them run every test they could and they took x-rays. Then I had to wait another month to see the Orthopedic dr. That was hard because the X-rays came back and said there was nothing wrong with my hip...I thought I was going crazy at that point. My husband was looking at me as if I had been making it up and quite frankly I felt like I was. Depression enveloped me for the next 4 weeks until it was time to see the ortho guy. I was in his office for 5 minutes, described my symptoms to him and he said, "oh, you have bursitis..."
I was like "what? Isn't that something you get in your shoulder?" But apparently you can get bursitis in any joint... He gave me a cortisone shot into my hip (not fun by the way) and sent me on my way. It took about a week for the shot to take full effect, although it started to feel better after the third day... now 2 weeks later, other then it getting sore if I do to much.. it feels as if nothing was ever wrong with it. I lived with this horrible pain for almost 6 months because I didn't do anything about it except to live in it...that is what prompted my blog. It made me realize that I needed to take a more active role in my own life and start to make choices based on what is happening or what I want instead of just accepting what is happening to me and letting the chips fall where they may.
Thanks for sharing and you hang in there too.. I know you face your own challenges everyday.

[spacemonkey1310]

I agree with the Syd on the "can't control what comes at you, just what comes from you" point. My point is when something comes at you your choices become limited in how to deal with that.

We can feel as empowered as we want when we make a choice but being forced to make one in the first place shows how little control we actually have. I'm not being defeatist or trying to piss on anyone's chips. I think it's great that people can come through adversity and alter their life situation. Life's all about choices and consequences and sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. In the end it doesn't really matter.

OK now I'm depressing myself. I shall revert back to a little ray of sunshine forthwith : )

[spacemonkey1310]

@ NBC - Maybe I will. Suddenly the third Matrix movie makes sense ; )

[JustDee]

@SM- I see your point as far as "My point is when something comes at you your choices become limited in how to deal with that." This is true.. sometimes our choices are limited and sometimes none of the choices are good ones. I was faced with a choice like that 17 years ago and even though I picked what I thought was the best of the choices I had at the time, my family still deals with the fallout of my decision. So, YES.. I agree with you about that.
I can also see that from some people's points of view, making a choice for themselves that might push all the people they know and love away from them, is really no choice at all. You know what Dan, we all just do the best we can in the end... I still have a hard time accepting that free will is an illusion... so I CHOOSE not too...

take care and don't be so hard on yourself... by the way,, people who are always "little rays of sunshine" are kind of boring....LOL

[photo2010]

@Dee, I still stand by my staatement "entropy trumps choice", and see it as simply a fact of life, not a giving in. "Entropy • figurative lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder". Even while we sleep, entropy is taking place. Rust never sleeps, (just ask Neil Young:) Dust is settling on your furnture. The paint on our cars, houses, is fading. Our bodies are aging. These are not defeatist statements, they are facts, 24/7. I never suggested doing nothing to counteract the dust, rust and fading, I do suggest that they are going to continue no matter what we choose to do. The disorder in my life, ie, spinal cord illness, followed by being rear-ended, (just as I was starting to improve a bit), were living proof of entropy vs choice, and I was forced to give up the job I loved. If my bosses had given me a little more assistance that I asked for, I might have been able to stay, but they were too cheap. It was small satisfaction that it took them almost a year to replace me, because even when working on crutches at times, I gave 100%. So I was forced to make the "choice" of going on disability. Someone else might call it giving in, but it was a choice that was forced on me. A very unhappy choice.

[JustDee]

@ photo- please understand.. my blog was about me and my personal point of view. I said several times that life happens... there is no denying that fact...and I am sorry that the situation in your life forced you to have to leave your job. I never accused you of giving in so I'm sorry you were offended by my statements.. again, they were just my personal view on the world and in no way were a statement of fact that we should all live by.. it is what works for me.
Again, thank you for sharing.